Not In That Way

t h e n

5 years ago

I was crazy enough to kiss Atlas at 12 years old. Then wrote my feelings on a piece of expensive paper that I knew he would not bother keep.

It was approaching Christmas and we had this tradition that the two of us exchange gifts. And we were spies. We always try to be discreet on asking what one likes and wants and wishes so in that way we were able to know what to give to each other. I was going to say my wish was for him to kiss me one time and not again in this lifetime if ever he did not want to, but I decided against it.

Puberty was approaching. We were growing tall but Atlas was always ahead of me every time. He was taller and stronger. And I was shorter and frail. I was always behind.

That time, my urges to kiss him was increasing day by day and it was too much. We were to open our gifts. I opened mine first and it was a bracelet made from shells, my name carved onto  the much larger and wider shell on the middle. It was precious that I still had it until he decided he did not want to be friends with me anymore.

He was about to open my letter for him when I kissed him. Gross, I know, I was so young. After 3 or 4 seconds, I pulled away just as he pushed me away from his life. And the bracelet lasted for about 15 seconds as a property of mine after I lost it, chasing  for him.
I said sorry a lot of times but he would not listen. He was grossed out while I was heartbroken. How could an innocent longing kiss break a strong friendship?
I tried everything just to get him to talk to me. Nothing happened until such a time that I was able to force him to talk to me. We talked but, I knew everything was not going to be the same as before. I was replaced by Neil as Atlas' best friend.
Daniel Anderson. He was someone cool, tall, and strong like him. He was best-fried-worthy. I was nothing like him. Sometimes, I wondered maybe Atlas never really wanted me as his friend. Maybe he was forced to be my friend because we were neighbors, and I was always at his side. I was just /always/ there.

For the first time of my life, I felt alone. My mom was gone. My dad was not the same man I knew he was. Atlas had decided to stop being my best friend. Mean girls and boys bullied me. I had no protector anymore. I was too young to feel such strong emotions. That probably explained why I got matured too soon.

Rushed. Everything was rushed in my life. Mom came knocking on our door just one year after her unexpected disappearance. You see our town was small. Everyone knew everyone. Everyone knew mom and her disappearance.  I opened the door, unknowing who was outside.

I remembered that I stared at her in shock. I could not say anything. From what I remember, I saw a woman who was different. She looked more formal, more composed, more matured. I stared at someone I used to know who had changed drastically, who brought divorce papers, and who smiled an alien smile.

She was about to hug me when I came to senses. Everything came rushing back and I did not know how to feel. Mixed and messy. I ran away. I did not stop even when she was chasing after me and shouting my name. I ran fast and went to Atlas's  house which I should not have.

I did not bother knocking. I went inside their house, which until now I will always remember, was surprisingly silent. I slowly went upstairs. Sagan's parents' room was ajar. I heard giggles which I distinguished as Mrs. Alice's. And as a child, by nature, I was curious. I went closer to the door and what I saw shocked me even more. Mrs. Alice was on top of my dad. And I knew from that moment that nothing will ever be the same in our families anymore. Nothing was falling apart for everything was on the ground already.

I ran away that day only to be found by the cops  in a  dumpster. I realized I was supposed to be there, since I was a trash. That's what the boys told me at school, I was a trash because I could not fix my parents' marriage, I was a trash because I lost Atlas, I was a trash because I was gay.

I chose to live with dad rather than mom. I did not want her to bring me to her new family. Dad stopped whatever he was doing with Mrs. Alice and I did not wish her to be my mom anymore. Everyone I thought I knew were good at hiding their colors.

I decided when I was angry and that was a wrong move of me. Now, all I do is deal with the outcomes.

When I was young, I was always dependent with my mother. I learned to tie my shoes when she left. I learned to make sandwiches when she left. I learned that Santa Claus was fictional. Being alone makes you independent and makes you realistic.

I hated that I was surrounded by tricksters, pretenders and leavers. Reality can be so excruciating, and all you can just do is accept it, because there is no other way to hide from it.

Atlas's parents separated and I think that was the reason why Atlas saw me as an enemy. He changed. And it was sad to be enemies with someone you once knew everything about. At first, I was unfazed and unaffected but, he started blaming me about everything. He blamed me for his family's downfall. He blocked me from his life. I still wanted to go back to how it was before. I still wanted to be his friend.

I will always want to be his friend.