Not In That Way

n o w

"I don't know what I'm going to do." I say in frustration.

"Well, you should know what you are going to do. It's been a long time and you're still hung up on that guy. It's unhealthy girl." Hayden says in a voice as if to sound like me. He keeps glancing at the door of the cafeteria, as if he's expecting someone.

"Will you stop with the gay talk? I don't talk like that. And I am not hung up on him. I just... I think it's going to be hella awkward. Like, we haven't talked in years and suddenly we are paired up for a project?" I take a sip on my orange juice.

I hate Mr. Harrington for pairing his students up. And as cliché as it sounds, I was paired up with my ex-bestfriend. The pairing was aimed for students who haven't paired yet. Atlas and I, are two of them.

"It must be a sign." Shona says, I look at her munching on her mac 'n' cheese. She stops chewing and look at me weirdly.

"A sign of what?" I ask her. She looks at me seriously and I become attentive.

"That the universe has reunited you both for a reason. That this pairing means you'll be friends again, or it's over forever. I mean, this is what you wanted right? To find closure or to finally let go?" She asks me and she goes back to eating her favorite food in the world.

Partly yes, I wanted a comforting sense of finality of our friendship and partly no, because in all honestly I do not want to let go.

I was lying to them about letting go. Because it's hard to let go of your first friend in the world. And yet it's much harder to let go if your very first friend became, as corny as it sounds, your first love.

"Yeah... of course."I say plainly. I nod as if to convince them when in actuality I am trying to convince myself.

"So, why was that girl that you left with, crying?" I ask Hayden who is in his phone, furiously typing. He looks at me and goes blank for a second and then composed.

"Oh... yeah... that girl. She was crying because her boyfriend was cheating on her in front of her and I helped her because I also felt cheated because his boyfriend was kissing Ayla, even when Ayla and I aren't even a thing." He sounds mad. He goes back to typing.

"That sucks." Shona comments, sounding sad.

Maybe I have always been good at guessing. And my guesses are always correct. Shona, herself, is obvious. But Hayden, himself, is so clueless.

"Why do you even like Ayla?" I ask Hayden and he stops typing furiously. He puts down his phone and looks at me as if he is a lawyer and I am a witness.

"Yeah, why?" I swear Shona knows the answer too.

"Hmmm..." he hums and pretends like he is thinking. I know his answer. "She was my very first friend in elementary. She showed me kindness when everyone else was cruel. And even though she might've changed over the years, I know she is still that sweetheart I knew before. And God, are you blind? Look at her body, man? It's to die for. And she's smart, that's a plus." I look away from his heart-faced emoji face. Yes he is lovestruck.

"I don't swing that way." I say.

Suddenly Shona stands up.

"I gotta go. I have to finish my assignment." She does not meet our eyes.

"Why don't you finish it here? And you haven't even finished your food!" Hayden says, but does not look at Shona's direction, instead continues to type furiously.

"I...I need to go to the librabry too." Such a bad pretender.

Shona is this goody-two-shoes who is too delicate and too sweet and too innocent. And Hayden was not into those type of girls, as he had said when I asked him what he thought about Shona. He said she was pretty but he only saw her as a friend.

"What's gotten her panty in a twist?" He says but he does not look at me. He keeps typing.

"You." I whisper then cough.

"What?" He is not paying attention at all.

"Who are thou texting?" I ask him. He has even forgotten eating his food as it is untouched. I grab his tray which finally got his attention.

"The fuck..." he gives me a questioningly look and I start to eat his food. I give him a questioning look.

"It's none of your business." He says to me and grabs his tray back.

"Oh, I think I know who it is... who they are rather..." I say and he looks back at me. I look at him playfully.

"Again, it's not part of your goddamn business Summer." He says my name and I know he is mad, but I like it.

I laugh.

"It's funny how you have an anti-bullying website and at the same time a website for..." I am not able to finish for a wrinkled paper hits my cheek. I look at the table where it came from. The jockholes' table. They are laughing and I know this is the start of them-being-free-from-my-grasp-since-they-thought-i-had-no-proof-anymore.

The who-asked-me-out prank guy is laughing as well, he notices me and he stops laughing. I look away from them and continue eating.

"Assholes." Hayden shouts at them and the assholes themselves immediately stop laughing.

You see Hayden, was a jock himself, until 2 years ago. He was once a soccer player. He was good at it, as to what I have remembered, since I, myself, wasn't and isn't a fan of sports. Their soccer team had a car crush 2 years ago, they all survived, but the crash did a number on him physically and mentally. He couldn't walk for months. And he suffered anxiety attacks whenever he rode any vehicycle. Luckily, therapies helped him and his family's and friends' support were a great contribuation to his healing.

From the baddest boy in school, he became the boy everyone protected and was, is respected.

The other soccer players from the crash transferred schools. But Hayden remained.

Atlas was not part of the crash, for soccer was not what he pursued in Sophomore year.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. He walks together with Marie and sit down together with the jockholes.

That's the thing about sports in high school. When you are an athlete, you all sit together. There's a barrier between athletes and nonathletes. And these athletes act smugly because they think they run the school. And since athletic studs always, by norm, date sexy girls. Cheerleaders, even though, nonathletes, are part of their table.

Marie, as in Marielle Antonette Tan, is a cheerleader. She is Atlas' on and off girlfriend for the past two years since he came back to soccer.

They were/are perfect together. She is very smart, and very pretty, and very sexy. And Atlas has the same qualities as well. They were the cliché golden couple.

Marie and I are still neighbours, but maybe her parents had told their daughters that it is not fun being friends with a kid of a broken home. The 'Cute Eyes' family are not kind anymore, at least to me.

"You okay?" Hayden brings me back to the now. I blink and look back at him.

"Yeah." I nod to convince him but he is not conviced.

"You zoned out." He states. He stops typing.

I always zone out and he knows that.

I open the paper.

/date me fatfag/