radiance | baekhyun

67

20:35.

a pretty pale-blue painted the expansive mass of nothing that loomed up and above, filtering slowly and gently into the air. it flowed like water--although seemingly unmoving--and the soft, dampened clouds swam lengths across the pale and pleasant horizon. calming, as if blue waves had washed over the stress of the day. sun was no longer present. the aqua hue had taken over the serene evening, transforming it into a hazy sea that coveted the small, enclosed garden.

patches of indigo and white dotted across the spotted sky, following patterns and paths, and forming wispy lengths of a beautiful colour that distracted roma as she looked up at it from where she was sat. cross-legged, at the garden table, laptop and book in front of her, cup of tea held in between her clasped hands.

it wasn't particularly warm, as the late-august air wafted a soft and gentle breeze across the overgrown bushes and grass, slipping underneath her big jumper and baggy jeans. she huddled her figure together tightly. her long hair was blown across her face. roma decided she needed a haircut, really.

she'd spent the day doing her reading; preparing for her studies. roma had always been like that. a quiet and diligent worker.

faintly, through the sliding french doors, she could hear her mum clattering around in the kitchen.

late evening.

it was still very pleasant and light in the air, in spite of the sun having dipped behind the array of bluish colours splayed across and against the huge sky. the tea tasted warm and comforting as she brought the mug to her lips again. roma inhaled slowly, feeling, for the first time in a while, more at ease and okay. not happy, but eased.

placing the mug down, she pulled down the sleeves of her jumper, as the chills swam through the atmosphere.

continued to type away on her laptop, flicking through the new, white pages of her book.

roma felt in a weird way; as if this phase of her life was an odd state, in juxtaposition to what she'd previously become so used to. and she had to breathe in really hard, to stop herself from letting it all out, and from worrying anyone else around her too much.

she was going to university. things had changed. moving on.

the easiest way she could convince herself was just to accept that that was life. harsh and difficult and not ever straightforward. no-one was her answer, because it's unfair to place all of your hopes and happiness onto one other person. they're only human, too.

roma breathed in again, as she recalled being given the very same lecture she'd taught to herself. sat, in that blue chair, piercing eyes on her. that woman in a pressed white shirt and navy button-up, made-up lips informing her of what the next step was in her progression.

careless.

it was funny, how one wrong turn in your mind could conjure up all sorts of memories that you'd managed to subdue for so long. looking up at the blue, unmoving sky, roma remembered her mum crying in the kitchen, voice raised, telling roma to change. to smile and to focus. for everyone's sake. telling her that she needed her to be better again. so she could live.

chest constricted.

but a part of roma had always understood. her mother had always been weak and fragile, and she couldn't handle not being able to comprehend her daughter's mind. roma hated that she made her feel that way; not in control and broken, making it worse, watching her mother break down before her, as roma would always remain silent and immobile, blaming, not knowing what to say. ever.

sorry never quite worked.

only sometimes.

hated that she made her mum feel like that. made it worse. but then--it wasn't just her fault. entire blame was not just on roma. remembered; sitting alone in her room, having to convince herself that it wasn't just her. fucking up was a universal thing. mum was in the wrong sometimes, too.