More human than me // RK800 Connor x Male!Reader

Chapter 6: Depression.

Warning: sadness.

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Y/N POV.

7:23 AM

I shoot up awake, sweating, I look around me, I'm in my room and I look down only to be greeted by an erection, memories then flash back into my brain, yesterday was just like any other day, nothing of that happened. It was all just a dream. I then curl up in a ball, feeling gross.

-Fuck…-I whisper angrily to myself not having strength enough to talk.

-Ugh, what is wrong with me? Connor's an Android, for fuck sake. -I whisper, burying my head into the pillow, close to crying.

-I'm so disgusting.-I say putting my hand on my forehead and laughing as tears fall.

After what seemed like ten minutes of waiting I get up and go to the bathroom to wash my face knowing I won't sleep anymore, I look at myself in the mirror and look down at my body.

/Flash back/

"It smiles at my length and starts kissing and sucking my-"

I hit myself hard in the head with the bottom of my palm pushing that memory to the back of my head, I rub the spot as I stare down at the sink as tears pour out, disgusted at myself.

-Y/N, you're a disgusting human being.-I say looking down at myself.

I decide to take a bath, get dressed and go for a walk.

While the hot water hits my face my mind starts to race with thoughts, "Can I even look at it?" "Will it hate me?" "For how long can I hide it?" "what will people think of me?" "Should I call it… him?" "How long will I last before I kil-" I stop that thought by abruptly punching the wall with all my might making me groan in pain as my knuckles get red and bruised.

-Shut up mind, I'll hide it forever if I need to.-I say trying to hold back tears.

I finish taking a bath and I put some clothes on that will warm me up, I grab my wallet and I head out.

I try to get my thoughts straight while walking, I look at the sky and feel the soft rain hit my skin, I like the rain, it calms me down and comforts me. My body suddenly stops and I look around, seeing that I subconsciously walked up to the nearest store. I think of walking in and buying some alcohol, but… I fear I'll do something stupid.

I head back home going through a longer path just so I could walk some more, I try my best not to think about Connor or anything at all, failing miserably at that and getting lost in those thoughts. I noticed my autopilot turned on by itself when I see that I'm standing right in front of my door.

-Thanks I guess, human instincts.-I say walking in and locking the door, I head to my room and put some more comfortable clothes on.

I throw my body into my bed and lay down, I stare at the ceiling and my thoughts suddenly start to get out of control, "What if Hank can't stand me?" "What if he leaves me just like the rest?" "What if he thinks I'm disgusting?" I question myself again and again.

I reach for my gun under my bed and grab it, cocking it and pointing it at my head.

-Sometimes I wonder, shouldn't I just kill myself? It'd be so much easier, I wouldn't have to constantly remember every mistake I ever made.-I feel tears start to fill my eyes and I cover my eye with my hand.

-I'm just so afraid, thinking about Connor makes my heart beat faster, but life's not a cliche movie and "he's" not gonna say "omg! Same! Let's have sex!".-I say cringing.