Rapunzel Actually

Chapter 1

An evil witch who steals some poor, hungry, depressed woman's child Then the same wich strands that child in a tower in the middle of nowhere for 18 years. To top it all off, when some guy comes to try and date her,  the witch stabs his eyes out.  Sounds like a pretty terrible human being, right? Also probably sounds...suspiciously familiar.

I mean, such a terrible human being has no right to try and explain all their wrongdoings away. That's why I, the nameless narrator, shall be doing that for them.  From a completely neutral standpoint. Not biased. At all. Just making that clear.

So here's the story of everyone's favorite tower held hostage, Rapunzel, and what ACTUALLY happened. Told by me, the nameless author. Who shall not be named. Anonymous. An innocent, unrelated bystander. Yes. Ahem...

Let's just get into the story.

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So it all started before our oh so important main character was even born. And don't skip this part because it's important!

Her parents moved in next door to this absolutely "despicable witch" who was actually hardly despicable at all and just wanted to be left alone.  There were actually fairly nice people, but they argued all the time. They managed to get along surprisingly well despite this. Now, this terrible witch who had some slight anger issues (who she was going to a therapist about) had what some might call a "green thumb". (No my, HER, thumbs are not really green, that's just a figure of speech. It means that she was good at gardening. Not an ogre. But like, have you seen Fiona. That girl looks GOOD! I wouldn't mind being green if I could look like that. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Back to the story.)

Her therapist had given her a small, potted rose that she had been told to take care of. Something about learning to nurture and care for or something like that. I wasn't really listening. Anyway, it got taken care of, and this witch discovered that she actually liked taking care of these alive, but not extremely needy, plants. 

She ended up giving the rose to one of her enchantress friends. She never knew what she did with it, but she did hear her talking about some prince how she had cursed because he wouldn't accept it as payment. In the end, she gave it to him anyway. LIKE, WHAT WAS THE POINT OF CURSING HIM THEN???? HE MAY BE CURSED, BUT HE STILL GOT YOUR (well, my, I mean, that witch's) STUPID ROSE! That witch probably spent a lot of time taking care of that and didn't want it to be given to some random, stupid prince boy! It was probably very frustrating for her! Just saying!

Anyway, the couple who moved in next door was pretty nice, except when you lived right next door to them. Their yelling kept me up really late sometimes. I learned WAY more about their personal lives than I ever would have wanted. After a while, I started getting a little bit invested in the drama, though I may be ashamed to admit it. I MEAN SHE! SHE GOT INVESTED! (I HOPE THAT I DON'T FORGET TO EDIT THIS. PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO EDIT THIS!)

The witch learned a lot about her neighbors. For example, the husband was really into dramatic, soppy, daytime T.V., and the wife always wanted to watch old musicals. They found common ground on Kiss Me Kate. The witch couldn't help but research the name and found out it led to a whole lot of sexism with annoyingly catchy musical numbers. She decided that her neighbors' taste did not quite coincide with her own. (Foreign dramas and cartoons. Other countries just have better T.V., what can I say? Except for American Horror Story. That one was very dear to the witch's heart. Come to think of it, the husband might have liked that show and she really wanted someone to talk with it about. Hold on, I have something to do. I'll be back to finish writing this in a second.)

Okay, I'm back. AS  I WAS SAYING, the couple argued a lot. Part of the reason why they argued so much was that the wife wanted to have a baby, but the husband thought that they should adopt one instead. He just said that it was sad that so many children weren't able to have families of their own. The wife couldn't really deny such an innocent, heartfelt desire.