she layed on her bed with her head against the mattress,
hearing it squeak as she breathed.
she breathed enough to keep her alive,
and keeping herself alive was not good enough for her.
she layed with her head on the matress, and stared at the closed white door a few feet away
and wondered what that closed door meant
and how it had managed to stay
so prisitinely white
over all these years.
she stared at the miniature paper airplanes that dangled from the ceiling
and felt like she was about to cry
but n e v e r did.
she felt like she should get a bottle of strong whiskey,
or a pack of cigarettes,
or a silver razor blade or a needle and candle and spoon and heroine
and find herself somewhere else,
but she didn't.
she just layed there.
she had tried all those things,
and they had only been
temporary,
every high and buzz wore off,
leaving her more broken and scarred and empty than ever before.
and she could not cry because she could not recognize what a
f e e l i n g
f e l t l i k e
and she didn't like the numb because she
couldn't even tell if she was
a l i v e.
her breathing,
and the creaking of the mattress onthe floor reminded her of this,
her current state of being numbly alive.
her mattress was on the floor and it had been there for seventeen years.
it was in her room, which was painted gray, and only had a small dresser and the little paper planes and stunk of old liquor.
her whole house and her whole life seemed to reek of stale brandy,
the scent of her father's brown mouth.
when she was four
she had made and hung the little airplanes with her mother,
and her mother kissed her forehead with bright tears in her eyes,
promising her the little planes they hung would always remind her,
her pretty little girl, that seh could fly away,
and escape.
she stared at them now.
they were useless.
they only reminded her mother had done just that,
escape,
in just the same way,
hanging from the ceiling,
a few weeks later.
and even then, remembering that,
she still didn't
c r y
----
a/n not sure how I feel about this one..?
xx thanks for reading
