Scattered Thoughts

scared

"you need to go" I said to him with a blank face and a very scared heart.

Because if he stays I know, I'll fall for him. I'll start caring. I know, I'd know every detail about him. I'll know why he smiles. I know, I'll know the random things he likes ...like cookies and cream and the sea green shirt he wore three times last week because it said *whatever im getting curly fries*. I know, Ill know that he qoutes movies every time he wants to be cool but ends up messing them. I'll know his go to movie will be hangover. I know, I'll know his favourite juice will be mixed fruits. I'll know why he likes Liverpool more than real Madrid and I know I'll know why he love cats.

"But why?" He replied.

I can see the hurt in his eyes the way I saw in his but this one Is different. This one is filled pain and sincerity while his were filled with fake emotions of love and care. I can see the difference clearly but ....who knows?.

I want to trust him but I am so scared, to love him, to fall for him, to call him mine, because once I did that and got hurt... very badly and was left alone to die in the dark corner of the world, where no one can see me no one can offer me help, where I can't let anyone love me.

"Because.." my voice broken and shallow "...you'll hurt me...you'll leave when u find out I'm not as good as I look like I am ...I am not someone u'd want to be with...you'll go."

"I won't do that Ella I wont... I can't do that to you" he said with so much care that it almost melts my heart. But no.

"That's what he said...that's what he told me...he said he'll never leave. He said, he'll always hold me. He said, he'll be here to help me get up. He said, he'll never make me cry. He said, I'll never be alone. He said, he'll always always be with me. He said, he'll make me love.. love" tears fall down my eyes as I remember him. As I say the exact words that always left his lips with so much confidence and love that I believed him without a second thought. ".... But .... but here i am so so scared to love, so scared to let anyone breakdown my walls, so scared to let anyone see me, so scared to let anyone hold me, so scared to be alone yet I am alone..and so so scared to trust to love anyone."

He took a step closer to me.

I took a step back.

He took three steps closer to me and held me.

"Look at me" he said I couldn't read his expressions when I looked in his eyes .. I didnt know if it was hurt or care...but I guessed it... It was love.

"I love you... I don't care what he said to you. I don't care about what you think. I don't care about your walls ..I am staying.. I am here to stay . I'll stay here until u realize that I truly love u and I won't leave you..because u don't realize what u did to me do you? You don't even know ..I was a mess.. I had no purpose.. I wasn't reaching my goals..but just one day with you at the coffee shop, I realized, I found someone. I found my goal. I found my purpose. I wanted to have you so bad.... so very bad but I knew I can't have you because I am not capable so I worked hard .. I worked hard to make a world where you can be safe .. I am here. I am the most successful business man because of you..how can u even think I'll leave you. I can't, I can't ditch my own goal. I am dying to have you. I am dying to go on an official date with you. I am dying to go shopping with you. I am dying to look at you where you're asleep. I am dying to call you mine. I am dying to see you in a wedding dress. I am dying to take care of you as you take care of our child. I am dying to make a life with you...so I am not leaving and you can't do anything about it."

He was crying but I didn't notice that until he stopped talking.

"Do you promise me..?" I know ...a childish act but I don't know why it comforts me.

"I promise" he said with a bright smile and red eyes.

"What if you leave" I looked down.

"Assassin's... Snipers...I'll get you the numbers" he said very seriously.

I punched his chest light and placed my head on his chest.

"Hey..."

"Hmm.."

"I love you too."