Scattered Thoughts

Asked me.

You asked me to love you, when I didn't know what it was.
You asked me to love you, when I was breaking down.
You asked me to love, when my fears were eating me alive.
You asked me to love you, when depression was the only thing i owned.
You asked me to love you, at my worse.
You asked me a lot of things.
But,
Why didn't you ask me to love myself first? Because, if you can't love yourself, you can never gain the ability of loving someone else.
Why did you always asked me to love you when I was down..broken..and ..when you knew you weren't going to stay.
I heard from someone today that you were already seeing her, when we were together.
Why...was I not worth it?. Was my love the one I was giving to you at my worst not enough.
You told me to love you, when u didn't love me.
Back then, I thought Loving you was my light, my path shinning with stars. I thought, Loving you was enough for me and I don't have to love myself.
The day I saw you with her.
My light went down
My path was in pitch black darkness.
My ears gave up their ability to hear when u tried to blind me with excuses or was I dreaming.
Did you try to blind me?
Did you try to explain yourself?
Or
Was I just dreaming those things?
I was just dreaming those things, because somewhere in my imagination, when you saw me.. you ran towards me, to stop me, to explain yourself, to try to make things work.
But.
In reality when you saw me. When we held our eyes for the mere painful second, you looked away and walked away from me with her. You acted like you didn't know me. That's when I realized that it was true, that
First love never lasts ....from your side at least.
Because I never gave up loving you ... It was the only thing I was good at.
Back then I was left in the darkness.
Back then I didn't have the light.
Back then I didn't love myself.
Trying to barely live through the days, making my way through these fake people who like me, are faking their happiness but eyes tell stories, no one can ever can ...with the brightest smile that I have and dead eyes.
Trying to drink my least favorite coffee which was once my favorite without thinking of you. I looked up.
And the words,
'I don't need anyone to save me' flashed before my eyes, though the full sentence was 'i don't need anyone to save me just food.'
But that is when it struck me, that you were never my light, you were just a flashlight that eventually gave up.
That's when it dawned upon me that you never asked me to love myself, at my worst.
You never asked me to look for the best in me.
You never told me that I should not hate myself because whatever happened to me was not my fault.
Now that I think about it you never said I love you while looking in my eyes.
I don't know what am I to you,
But for me, you are now someone, who told me that I should love myself and not anyone else because that person will eventually leave, but I will stay with myself till my last breath.
I am my own light.
I am, myself a star.
I can myself lead my way out of this darkness.
I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.