Moving Forward

Chapter 4

"How are you holding up, Kiddo?" Dad asked as we sat at the kitchen table.

It was the day after the whole fiasco with Alex and I was feeling a bit better. The time to myself that I had yesterday at the café had seriously helped. Although I knew that I had to see him again sometime soon. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't keep avoiding him forever. We had things that needed to be worked out.

"I'm doing fine. More importantly though, how are you doing?" I asked whilst pushing the little food that was left around my plate. Dad had finally decided to have a day off doing overtime at work and was actually home for dinner instead. So I was making the most of it and spending some time with him. It almost felt like it was the old days when everything was normal and this was an everyday thing that we did. Minus mum this time though.

Dad sighed. He put his knife and fork down before clasping his hands together and resting his chin on them. He stared at me for a while before he eventually spoke. "I'm not more important than you. In fact, you are more important than I am. You're only young, you're still a kid. Please, talk to me, how are you doing?"

"I'm..." I began with the intention of telling him that I was good. That nothing was bothering me. That I was happy. That everything that had happened wasn't effecting me and I was totally normal again. But I didn't want to lie to him. Not to my dad after everything we'd gone through. He was experiencing the exact same pain that I was. "I could be better."

Another sigh. "Oh, darling." He reached his hand out to grab mine over the table, giving it a tight squeeze for comfort. That, along with hugs, was his most common ways of comforting someone. "I wish that I could take all of your pain away."

"And I you," I said whilst giving him an encouraging smile. He needed me just as I needed him. We had to be there for one another. "We just have to be there for each other now. I'll always be here for you no matter what."

"You'd tell me if something as up and you weren't coping, right?" He asked sounding unsure of himself. He sounded like he was scared I was going to turn around and tell him that no, everything is not alright and I'm at my end. The worry in his voice was evident. He was scared that I would do something that would put my life at risk.

"I would. And I'm fine. Well, as fine as I could be. I'm still finding it difficult to come to terms with everything that happened. I don't think I'll ever accept that it's happened so soon, and I don't think I'll ever get used to it. But I know I have to move on... well, not move on as such. I'll always remember her, but I know I have to adapt to a life that she isn't going to actively be in. And I know that that's going to be a tough thing to do."

"You're right. We do have to adapt. But always remember she'll be with you every step you take in your life. Maybe not physically, but in your mind and in your heart. She's always going to be watching down on you. Don't doubt for a second she'll be missing out on any part of your life," Dad said encouragingly. He stood up from his seat at the table and walked around until he was stood beside me. Pulling me to his chest, he wrapped his arms around my shoulder and tightened his grasp until I was in a tight hug.

"I know. I know she will. I just want it to get easier," I murmured. That's all that I wanted. And with the way I was feeling; lost, hopeless, sad, hurt, lonely, and so on, I couldn't ever see that happening. This pain was going to be etched onto my heart forever. At least, that's how it felt.

"Honey, it'll never be easy. Easier, yes, but never easy. You'll learn to adapt to the feelings and not have then a constant focus point. There'll be days that are much worse than other days, and you'll have days that do feel easy. You can never guarantee when those days will be. Just know that you always will have people here for you whenever you need them. And that includes Charlotte. I know that I work a lot. But that's just how I'm dealing with it. If my mind is focused on my work then it's not drifting to the painful memories of your mum. She'll always mean the world to me, and I'll love her forever. But for right now, I can't be thinking of her constantly." Dad finished with a kiss pressed to my head. A comforting action letting me know he was, and always would be there for me.