Behind His Life

1

We all have reasons that we almost threw in the towel.
I personally had a lot of those moments but the rockstars call it the other side of fame.

When we first got noticed by a label I was still in the process of finding myself so when they told me who I should be I panicked and dyed my hair red and changed everything about myself but we were always told not to lose ourselves, everyone else kept who they were on the inside.

When we got free of the loose clothes and hair products we were told to find our own styles.
I of course panicked because I was obeying the label for the last three years so how can I suddenly have a say in the matter.
I didn't know who I was let alone able to dress myself in a style that was my own. All I owned was the clothes that they told me to buy and we were in the point of our careers that a trip to the store would cause a headline so cruel that a poet had all the hate that he needed to apply to a person that didn't deserve one bit of it.

People say that the headlines are wrong but maybe a bit of self loathing is needed for me to feel just a tiny bit more normal than I actually could.
I got my wife to go to the store for me so I wouldn't be stopped and paparazzied. My wife got me some pieces that actually looked good and relevant.

When I put on the clothes I looked different because my jeans were tighter and the look was more serious than my look that was put together by management.
Having self confidence is impossible when you are in the public eye because having all eyes on you is one of the worst things for self confidence that I have ever experienced.

I was always watched and I was the kind of person that hated having people's attention so this was still new for me because I have been a attention seeker for so long that my cuts look like bracelets and my blades are hidden just like Chester's alcohol, out of sight and out of mind. I don't think Chester hides alcohol under the kitchen sink or any spot that they can fit or in the back pocket of his jeans or in his wallet or phone case but you know all people aren't the same because a blade hides more places than a bottle but both of them are just as dangerous, when they are put together you got something deadly.

I don't drink because I was never allowed to because in the early days I had to eat a piece of celery for lunch when all the others had McDonalds, this got me into a habit that I couldn't shake to this day. I was taught to be who the label wants me to be and I listened because we made it this far why change things now. I have been eating salads without anything else or salad dressing for years and drinking only water.

Chester forced me to drink ginger ale once by putting it into a clean syringe and putting it into my mouth like he is feeding a stray kitten that was abandoned by its mother. At the same time I was like a lost kitten, I don't eat so I people force me to do so, I used small words to communicate and most of all I run off for no reason, I scare my band shitless by running off and when they find me I would be crying so loud my friends were like background noise to the sound of my crying and my mind convincing me that I am as useless as a guitar pick is to a set of drums.

I have always been the one that cared about everyone else but myself, I seemed selfless to everyone but myself.

I post one picture on social media and it gets one million likes in five minutes but when someone thinks they see my scars they freak out and tell people to pray for me but I am fine as a tree in a hurricane but nobody needs to know that because the music is the thing that is the most important in this situation. It doesn't matter if I have a panic attack while singing the song but all that mainly matters is that the song gets out when it is supposed to be and get leaked by me being an idiot a few hours before.

Feeling like a failure is something that is so confusing to everyone else but is so familiar to me. I have been feeling this way ever since I was in art school, people tore my work to pieces every week and I loved the feeling of being torn apart I loved people telling me how useless I was. I love being torn apart because being in the public eye makes the most normal of people seem like freaks. I am of course no different.

It is currently 2009, me and my wife welcomed a little boy today and he is perfect, more perfect than I will ever be and he looks like me. I hope that he will be like Anna because she is way better than me because the world didn't change her like it changed me, she is pure. We named our little boy Otis Akio, We picked the name Otis because it means wealthy and Akio is my brother's middle name.
Being a father made me feel more useless because if this baby boy doesn't grow up with a great father it is all my fault. I was responsible for his childhood, his memories, him knowing how to play catch. I was so overwhelmed when me and Anna first had Otis because I had to go on tour when he was three weeks old.

When Otis turned one I felt different about the whole thing. I loved my family to death and the day Otis turned one I was six months clean of cutting. My eating disorder was still hell to deal with but when Otis put his cake covered hand on my face I couldn't just let it scare me because he put his cake covered hand on Anna's face and she laughed but I couldn't laugh to save my life so I said that I needed to use the bathroom and when I was in the bathroom I texted Chester.

Mike- Chester, can you come to the bathroom?

I few seconds later I got a response,

Chester- Sure I am on my way, are you feeling okay? When Jamie put smashed cake on my face I was startled too.

A few seconds later Chester appeared in the bathroom and seen me wiping cake and icing off my face crying. I promised Anna the night before that I would eat some cake at Otis' party and here I am lying.
I wasn't completely lying, I got up off the bathroom floor and Otis ran to me. I stared at Chester at this moment making sure he didn't leave because he always the one that calmed me down. Otis didn't care if I just had a panic attack in the bathroom he just care that I am his dad.

After Otis turned one, time started to just fly by, Chester welcomed twin girls and that gave Anna baby fever. Lily and Lila look just like their father. Holding them made me want to have a girl of my own. All I seen in my dreams was Otis as a big brother.

After Otis turned four we found out we were welcoming baby number two. When I told my band Chester was crying along with me because when Lily and Lila were born I wanted another baby hopefully a girl this time.
A few weeks later me and Anna found out instead of having one baby we were having twins, when we found out they were girls I felt light headed and passed out...