Behind His Life

6

Being a father to three is a lot different than being a father to one. Being a father to three in honest opinion is like being blessed three times over.

When me and Anna welcomed Otis the love was so overwhelming. When me and Anna were naming Berlin and Parker we loved names that meant something in our lives.

Me and Anna agreed that each of us would name one of the babies. Anna has always wanted to name one of our children Parker so she picked Parker and I had to take a little more time because my child would have to go by this name for his or her (we didn't know the genders at the time).

When me and the band were sightseeing in Germany I knew her name was. I got an ultrasound picture of baby A and wrote Berlin Kaiyo Shinoda.

In my bag I have an ultrasound picture that had Parker Maiya Shinoda on it in Anna's handwriting.

The girl's names mean a lot to Anna and I because we let their names come to us instead of seeking them, we did not go matchy-matchy with their names because we love different names but not too crazy. The other names on our list are Harlow, Eiliyah, Melody, Everleigh, Rhythm, Charlotte, Luna, Dahlia and my personal favorite Harmony. Me and Anna are planning on having a fourth child in the future and of course Harmony is in the running for a baby girl. I thought of Berlin's name in Berlin, Germany and Anna thought of Parker's name because Linkin Park was the reason I had this beautiful life .

A life that is beautiful on the outside of course because my mind is far from beautiful and I can't even take my shirt off in front of my wife let alone the world. I have scars going up and down my arms and me and my son shop in the same section of target.

Social media and the public makes self esteem a hard thing to keep, I never had a chance to keep it because being a frontman has the disadvantage of being the ones heard the most and also seen the most. I have purchased every colour hair dye that the local walgreens sold the first few years of our career.

Being signed isn't the moment that you know that you made it, you know you made it when there are people living because of you and you can give your family all they need and more. When your kids don't know what having nothing means but at the same time they know what loves is so much it is like the back of their hands.

I have had my share of the other side of fame and I am sure that I will have many more but that is the problem. Cutting myself up shouldn't be the other side of fame.

How will I explain to my children what my scars mean when they ask me with their little voices,
"Touchan who hurt you?",

Otis calls me Touchan and Anna adores it and I do too but I can hear his voice asking who hurt me when he is older. Otis' life is four years young while my life is thirty-six years years taken advantage of by people that make people big but at the same time the process damages some people and I just had to me one of them.

I am on the edge with five of my best friends and my friends and family are the only thing stopping me from falling. I could say that I am feeling numb but that would be heard with a laugh instead of the feelings that are inside my head.

I have no clue who I am and somehow everyone else does.