Behind His Life

8

Before I know it I am on the plane ride home and me and Chester are talking about nonsense but we wouldn't change it for the world.

When I seen my wife, baby girls, parents and my son holding a sign that said "Welcome home Touchan" (Dad in Japanese).

Otis' sign brought me to tears and I hugged Anna so tight that she must have thought that I was going to lose her but missing her and the jet lag makes love harder but love is worth it no matter how hard it is.

We went to the car and I got in the passenger seat, Otis is in the middle and a baby was on each side of him.
When my wife asks if I want to go grab something to eat and all I said that Otis had enough cashews to last us a week but my parents wanted to take us out to lunch.

We got to the restaurant and got seated me and Anna decided to share a salad. We ordered Otis chicken nuggets and fries.

As if it was on some kind of cue Parker starts to cry and right when I get her bottle for her out of the bottle bag thing and when I did Berlin started to cry and didn't want to be held by mama she wanted dada and she wanted him now.

I managed to have both Parker and Berlin in my arms at once and got the bottles in their mouths and Anna gave me bites of salad as the twins were eating.
The girls ate ½ of their bottles and then I put them back in their car seats and drank more water. When we were done our lunch we were going to go home but we stopped at the Bennington's house.

Talinda loved to see me, Anna and the kids because being on the road for three weeks is a long time when family and love comes in the picture.

Before I met Anna I was lost but then I met my future that I never realized it was my future till I looked back and seen what five people done for me.

I am nervous about my daughters, I know that they are five weeks old before I know it they are going to be five months old, five years old, fifteen years old and then eighteen before I can even manage to blink.

My baby girls might take after their father's eating habits that I pray they take after their mama for.
They are identical and look like me and have my eyes.

I was changed my management in 200o and now even 13 years later I still have the same habits they told me who they thought that I should be.

They controlled my life for a little bit of time so I developed habits, I wish that I could just enjoy my life instead of caring too much about the smallest thing.

Love never really falls apartfor me and Anna because we were always in love. for me and Anna because everything falls into place perfectly. My wife is perfect and I am not.

My kids are perfect I have ever seen perfection before. My daughters are very identical and have mirror personalities but they don't cry at the same time because that's not how it works.

Berlin and Parker still don't sleep through the night and it is hard to get them to sleep. When I am home me and my wife have one of the girls bassinets on each side of the bed.

Berlin and Parker were born a bit earlier than they should have and spent a few weeks in the nicu. They gave us a bit of a scare before they came home.

Me and Chester are still close like we have always been and always will be. Chester is the only one that understands my habits and don't see me as a person that was changed by people that don't have any business changing me.

He always and still do tell me that the people that were in charge of the label seen the money instead of the music and that we are in charge of ourselves now and our music is the thing that we do this for because the music has more meaning than money.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything because I never went to a doctor or therapist. I have gone to visits with Anna's therapist before but not for myself because I don't want my star status to have rumors about me being mentally unstable or some other mean taunts.

When I got home my dog came to me, Jasper just came to me not barking like he usually did, he just walked over to me and waited till I walked to my closet to get a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that I made sure had long sleeves.

How did I go from my mama picking out my clothes to me making sure my clothes have long sleeves to hide what my self mutilation did to my arms that my mama used to say that were so pure and chubby. When did chubby become a word of hate instead. I know that I should love myself but I am a father and little lives are dependent on mine for survival. To my mama I was a miracle but to myself I am praying for a miracle but feeling not worthy to pray after all I let people do to me.

After I get dressed for bed I get Berlin's diaper changed and sleeper on that I got out of a bag that Chester gave me that Lily and Lila wore. I took out the matching one for Parker. When the kids were asleep I pulled out a journal that I meant to keep for lyrics but these days nothing in the way we plan.

I wrote,
"Dear Berlin,
You were an answered prayer from your mother and me. I wanted you to be filled with wonder right to your first name. I found your name when I was in Germany with your uncles. Your uncles are youthful and crazy. Your uncles love you, I hope you learn that these five souls are your family and hope they learn how strong their love is for you.
-Your dad"

I closed the journal after writing a letter for my little girls.
My wife has written a journal entry for Otis every day of his life and I want to give my little girls something later in life.
My band is my life because it provided me with all that I have.
It was how I got Anna to come with me. I gave her a cassette as I leaded her to a party.

My life is falling apart but I am still alive and healthy as a man that was changed by life could be.