Dancing on Achilles Heels BxB (Staten Krown)

5

On my weakest day, I feel alone. I know it's my weakest day because I can barely stand. It feels as though there are no bones in my feet. It feels as though I can hardly walk. I use the podium when I stand up the church. It's as though I am paralyzed. Someone has found my weak spot and has taken advantage of it. They have hurt me in a way that I cannot explain. I stand there now feeling so sore about it. I stand there now not knowing and not understanding how to fix this.

Is this how Achilles felt?

Is this how it felt to have your weakness exposed when all your life you tried to portray strength?

A deep, thorough voice gathers in the back of my ears. It's so deep that I think it's my conscious for a moment. "Prince told me what you were doing."

It's not my conscious. It's something much worse. It's my father. He's standing there. He didn't even have enough respect to come to my mother's funeral in a suit. He has on a black wife beater. He didn't shed not one tear since he's been here. I wonder if he even cares that my mother is dead. He seems so heartless standing there. He grabs on the back of my neck and says it again.

"You hear me, lil nigga? Huh? Prince told me what you were doing when your mother was being shot up," he says before adding, "Lil nigga."

"It's not the time."

"It's the time," he tells me, "Take a real hard long look at your mother's face. She was dying while you were twirling your panties like a lil' bitch."

"You're telling me you think it's my fault?"

"No," my father says, "I'm telling you I KNOW it's your fault."

I want to be upset and even mad bout what my father says especially when he punches me right there in front of the funeral hard in the back of the head. He punches me so hard in the back of my head that I fall over. No one helps me up. I just lay there and I cry. I feel like a little bitch right now.

It's an open casket. The bullets had gone through her stomach and through her chest. Her face was still beautiful. I look off to the side and see Aunty Claudia. She's my mother's twin. She rushes past us and damn near throws herself in my mother's casket. They'd always been the closest. I watch as Aunt Priscilla and Prissy gather around to pull Aunt Claudia off—all except Aunt Tonnet. Aunt Tonnet just stares. She just stares at the casket with her arms crossed. She doesn't have a word to say. Not right now at least.

"She ain't coming back," Tonnet tells Claudia, "Stop trying to shake her awake. She ain't coming back."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Her own son ain't shaking her. You need to calm your ass down," Tonnet responds.

"Her own son wasn't even there when she died," Claudia asserts.

Hearing my Aunt say that, at the moment hits home. Aunt Claudia wasn't like Aunt Tonnet. She was more down to Earth than Aunt Priscilla and much kinder than Aunt Tonnet.

I gather myself and try to get up and leave. I head out the front door. I need air. That's the only thing that can make me feel better at this point. I needed air. As I'm standing out there trying to grasp for any bit of air that I can get I realize that I'm not alone. I've been followed. Corny is out there with me. He's standing there in a black suit. I'd seen him walk into the funeral with Ana and another man but I hadn't seen him do anything else.

"She didn't mean it."

"You heard. Who am I kidding? The whole church heard."

He pauses.