song suggestion : all I want - kodaline
listen on repeat :)
I'm a person , well to be more specific a girl , I won't say my name yet but I can tell you what I suffer from, I suffer from sociophobia, cherophobia, and philophobia, social anxiety, and anxiety.
Trust me i've went to multiple therapist looking for help and on how to act normal but the thing is my mind is always black and blue.
It always finds a way to look down upon me or on myself. But as always I try to pick myself up from that ditch of depression but it's always so hard to get up when your being dragged down by all the negatives your mind thinks of.
You start to wonder if anyone needs you , you believe that you aren't worth anything , and more. but sometimes your mind gets the best of you.
of course , it's always mind over matter right?..
and that's when it gets hard to get out of bed.
it really-
*ding*
my thoughts interrupted by a text from my boyfriend well soon to be ex-boyfriend.
The Grayson fucking Dolan.
I know it's not right to act like this towards your boyfriend but he flirts with other girls during my panic attacks and anxiety attacks on the phone.
or maybe that's just what I think... oh god I hate paranoia.
but I don't deserve him anyway , he's too good , there's another girl out there better than me , why would he date me? A girl who's fucking scared of everything.
It's childish really, I'm scared of happiness , love , and being judged.
(a/n : I don't think anyone with these type of phobias is childish just wait she'll shut that sht down rq in just a few lines)
I turn on my phone and see the bright exposed screen of the text messaging app.
Gray : hey Monica are u okay you've been acting really weird.
wait why the fuck is he using my real name. what's going on?
I start to feel waves of anxiety crashing into my blood stream making my adrenaline rush. I quickly type :
me:what?
Gray: yeah you've been acting really strange.
another wave of emotion hits me likes baseball bat in my stomach.
you know when you ride a roller coaster and you finally get to the drop but when you get to the drop your stomach feel weird.
yeah that's my stomach right now .
uneasy is the word.
me:I'll be at your place in 5 okay?
I get up out of my bed and walk up to my mirror to see if I look decent.
I grab my keys from my vanity and make my way out my bedroom door .
"mom I'm going to grays" I yell plainly.
"okay" she yells back.
I walk out the door and walk to my motorcycle and grab the helmet that's hanging on one of the handles.
