Requiem for a Soldier (Requiem #1)

Chapter 19: Anguish

April 25

Tayja

"Tayja!"

I'm back in that room. My living room. Julie is screaming for me as the gun is pointed at her head. I'm frozen. Julie's and my eyes meet.

"Tayja!"

Her scream is desperate. She knows she's going to die. She knows they are going to kill her.

"Tay-" Her scream is cut short as the gun fires. Her body crumples to the floor.

"No!" I scream. I wake up, sitting bolt upright in Ryan's bed. "Julie!"

I know I'm awake and I know the dream wasn't real. Julie didn't know I was there when she died. She didn't know I could have done something, anything, to save her. She doesn't know that I watched her die and did nothing. I take in a deep breath and scream.

Ryan bursts into the room, but I ignore him as I keep screaming, alternating between my little sister's name and wordless cries of anguish.

I watched her die. I watched those men shoot her. I did nothing. I hid and waited as they killed the rest of my family. I did nothing. I let my baby sister die and I didn't do anything about it.

Ryan is trying to comfort me, but I know I don't deserve it. Seeing my sister's eyes filled with terror as she screams for me to save her, even though it was just a dream, makes me hate myself. I shove him off. The covers on the bed are smothering me. I throw them off and scramble out of the bed. I make it a few steps across the wooden floor before I crumple on the ground and dissolve into sobs.

When I can finally breathe in without my breath hitching, I hear Ryan's voice beside me.

"Who is Julie?"

I can't talk to him about this. I can't tell anyone about this. I don't know how I thought I could testify, how I could tell a whole room full of people about how I watched two men murder my entire family and I didn't do a thing.

Without a word, I stand and walk out of the bedroom, across the living room, and out the front door to the porch. It's cold outside, but the bracing temperature is a welcome respite from the heat of my anger and sorrow. I sit on the haphazard chair in the corner. I hug my knees close to my chest and cry silently. A faint green light dances among the stars. I look up to the sky to watch the mesmerizing lights as they shift from green to purple to pink. After several minutes out on the porch, I can feel the cold seeping into my bones. Reluctantly, I make my way back to bed.

April 26

"I'm sorry about my behavior last night."

Ryan looks up from his bowl of cereal, the first time he's looked at me today. I'm afraid he may have misinterpreted my actions. I take a fortifying breath.

"Julie is - was - my baby sister," I say, the tears already picking at my eyes.

Ryan's face immediately changes from a guarded look to one of comprehension.

"She was screaming my name," I breathe, my voice beginning to break.

"You don't have to explain," Ryan says quickly.

"I'm sorry," I repeat, feeling regretful for how I shoved him off and ignored him last night.

"It's OK, Ana," he says. "I forgive you."

I look up into his blue eyes. In a rare demonstration of a lack of self-consciousness, he has turned his entire face toward me.

Ana. Tayja. My two names echo in my head. At first, hearing the name Ana on his lips was foreign and weird. It didn't feel like my name. Mom used to call me Ana, but baby Julie's adorable Tayja quickly won everyone over. No one has called me Ana since I was six years old. Slowly I've become used to being Ana again. Now my former nickname only reminds me of the person who gave it to me. I think I'll continue to go by Ana, even if I do eventually leave this place. Tayja died the day she watched her family torn from her.