Drabbles

KJH (tw)

I think about him often. I think about how his hair would fall in his face,how his voice could make my knees weak because of the beauty and emotions in it,how his smile would make my heart crumble into pieces and how I never wanted him to not be able to smile. Never wanted to think about not being able to enjoy that smile without a wrenching feeling in my chest,to hear that angelic voice.
      I would listen to the music on the bus to hide. Because I loved the sound and how it cheered me up on the worst of days. In public to clear my thought when I was anxious. I would think of that smile, your voice and eyes. How it'd make me cry out of joy. You obviously never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel. I remember it vividly. I woke up like any other day as if it was nothing. Like nothing was wrong. And then I opened my social media. And there was a picture of you smiling only on the article of a news outlet with the headline I didn't want to believe. I couldn't.
The words didn't make sense. They didn't process in my mind. Kim Jonghyun. Dead. Suicide. Carbon monoxide poisoning.
First I cried for hours. And when I saw people saying you were in a better place I wanted to scream no,his place is here. Where he can make music where he makes people happy. And then it hit me how unhappy he was. That his pain was over but not in a way anyone intended. Not here to bless this terrible world with his songs that now looking back were cries for help. For an escape. I remember leaving my room with red eyes, my dad asked what's wrong and when I told him he sighed. He asked how old and I told him how old he was. He said "he was just a puppy,he didn't get to live".
I still think about him almost everyday and cry because it could have been avoided my baby could have been saved if only someone would have listened to him when he cried,when he reached out but I can't blame anyone else for my grief that's not fair to him not in the slightest. It could have been avoided. His death.
But it wasn't. He's gone. Everything is done. I still miss you every day Jonghyun. I still miss the way you would laugh and sing carelessly.
I still miss your smile.

      8-6-18