Only You || Newtmas

0.0

I feel like I am in a hole, like a dark abyss is swallowing me whole, finger by finger, hair by hair, disappearing into the sombre thoughts that engulf me daily. Ideas swirl around my mind, hopes that things will become brighter, lighter again, then the crushing realisation that it was a ridiculous assumption. That is was just my mind tricking me into thinking anything good will ever happen again.

Things won't get better, only worse. Further and further down the hole, into the abyss, disappearing, little by little, until nothing is left but a fake and forced smile that everybody persuades themselves into believing because a sugar-coated lie is always more pleasant than the harsh, unremorsful truth that is my life.

The darkness comes regularly. Washing over my being, erasing me from existence. Was I ever there in the first place? Was I ever happy? Genuinely happy? I don't even know anymore. I can't remember the last time my laugh wasn't the horrible and hollow sound it has now become.

The air isn't reaching my lungs. I gasp to try to let the sweet taste of oxygen in and overwhelm my insides. But my throat is sealed shut and won't let the air pass. I try to scream, let out some sentiment, feel something. These days I don't feel. I can't feel. I am incapable.

Feeling is much more complex then you tend to think. Especially when you loose that capability to feel, to touch, to love. You just feel hopeless, stupid, like you mean nothing to anyone, but most of all, empty. Nothing in your mind except that emptiness that has consumed you, eaten away your brain cells, making you feel like a shell, only the ghost of you remaining.

Broken. That's how to describe me. I am in pieces, once more. I desperately need somebody to put me back together, reassemble the bits of the puzzle. But who would ever believe that when I spend my days putting every ounce of the little energy that I have into looking happy. Something that I will never be again, not after what I have suffered.

The thing is that I'm never sufficient for people, they always need more than I can offer and I can't blame them for wanting what I cannot give them. I have been beaten down so many times that I haven't been able to rebuild myself completely, slowly losing more of my old, vibrant, glowing self with every blow. And nobody can accept that. The fact that I have given all that I possibly can. That I have put in all the effort that I can muster up.

You were the only one who managed to fix me. Nearly turn me back into the person I was before the Sadness pulled me into the darkness that now has completely overwhelmed me. Only you. I had finally found happiness. With you. And you ruined it. Forever. I'm sorry. I still love you and always will.

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Author's note:
Hi guys! So this is my first fanfic that I have *started* posting. I'm posting the prologue today but I may not update for a while because I want to write a few more chapters before updating regularly. What with school time approaching again, if I don't get chapters done in advance I might not post very often or at all.
I also wanted to say that the name of this fanfic was inspired by AlohaItsGabri because Only You is Newtmas' song and you can't change our minds.
Hope you enjoyed this first look into the fanfic,
-L xxx