Still loving you

Things To Say

I have so many things that I want to say to you, but I know I can’t. I want to apologize for not being there to stop you from doing the biggest mistake of your life. I want to tell you “I love you!” one more time, because I’m scared too. I’m freaked out, actually, that if I don’t say it now, I might not be able to say it ever again. I want to hold you in my arms, to feel your warmth again. I want to be just the two of us in your room, lost at midnight in bed sheets, searching for each other. And when I do find you and you find me, I will shower you with kisses, caress your reddened cheek, look into your eyes and try to figure out what you’re thinking. I used to do that when no one could stop us from expressing our love for each other until the sun shone brightly and the sky wanted to fall on us from jealousy.

Those moments are gone and all that’s left are ashes. Firstly, Kibum disappeared. You were so upset, that you couldn’t even eat. I didn’t eat either, because while you were worried about him, I was feeling like that about you. You don’t know how many nights I stayed up late, watching you sleep and wondering if you’ll ever be like you used to again. Back in those days, sometimes, I just wanted to wake you up and hold you and tell you that he’s alright so that you wouldn’t starve yourself anymore. I didn’t want you to die and I still don’t wish for that, or maybe…

Secondly, there was Hankyung hyung who decided to leave the group. You took all the blame on you. I noticed every single time you turned the corner and went into Heechul hyung’s room. You just stayed there and watched him cry. Sometimes, you cried together with him, other times, you just hugged him and sang to him until he fell asleep. During that time, I leaned against the wall and waited for you to come out, but you never did. You spent the night there, leaving me alone, in a cold room. I missed you so much, but I don’t think you knew. But if you did know, would you care?

I don’t think that I’ll solve anything by listing the members that left. After Hankyung hyung and Kibum, Kang In hyung went to army and more than a year later, Heechul hyung did the same. You blamed SM for everything, even for your father’s death, but deep in you, you knew the truth. They may have been responsible for our band being torn apart, but for your father’s death, they weren’t. Now you’d say “You don’t know anything! That’s how you show me how much you love me, by taking their side?”. Oh, my love! I can’t express in words or actions how much I care for you. If I could, I would die for you. I know that sounds cheesy, but I would do it if necessary. And now, talking about it, I have a question: would you do the same for me?