Still loving you

Loving You

“ I like believing that there is something greater than the stars, that rules the entire world from up there. We were invincible together, but that something tore us apart knowing that we can't do anything right when separated. That something was your will for revenge. You wanted to make them suffer, just as they did with you when they killed your father. You wanted them to feel what you felt, the pain you had to go through and never listened to me, not even for a brief moment. I wanted you to understand that sometimes you have to let go of the past, but I guess you’ve always been a bad student. Like in highschool, when you stole Mr. Park’s bag in which he had our test papers, just to make sure he won’t give me less than one hundred. We were young and we felt free because we didn’t know much about life. Now we’ve learnt enough about it and I can say that we were forced to take the hard way, at least you.

I didn’t like the way you hid from me, thinking that I would make fun of you for crying. I’ve searched for you everywhere and I was willing to go to the center of the Earth to find you. It looks like it wasn’t necessary. You’ve always found me first. Just like love did. I wasn’t expecting to fall for my best friend, but I did. It wasn’t even the right time for love. You had just lost your father and I had been learning to accept another side of you. It wasn’t the beautiful part with sunshines and smiles, it was the broken one. It was a scared child, lost in a big world without anyone that could guide him through it.

I have so many things that I want to say to you, but I know I can’t. I want to apologize for not being there to stop you from doing the biggest mistake of your life. I want to tell you “I love you!” one more time, because I’m scared too. I’m freaked out, actually, that if I don’t say it now, I might not be able to say it ever again. I want to hold you in my arms, to feel your warmth again. I want to be just the two of us in your room, lost at midnight in bed sheets, searching for each other. And when I do find you and you find me, I will shower you with kisses, caress your reddened cheek, look into your eyes and try to figure out what you’re thinking. I used to do that when no one could stop us from expressing our love for each other until the sun shone brightly and the sky wanted to fall on us from jealousy.

Those moments are gone and all that’s left are ashes. Firstly, Kibum disappeared. You were so upset, that you couldn’t even eat. I didn’t eat either, because while you were worried about him, I was feeling like that about you. You don’t know how many nights I stayed up late, watching you sleep and wondering if you’ll ever be like you used to again. Back in those days, sometimes, I just wanted to wake you up and hold you and tell you that he’s alright so that you wouldn’t starve yourself anymore. I didn’t want you to die and I still don’t wish for that, or maybe…

Secondly, there was Hankyung hyung who decided to leave the group. You took all the blame on you. I noticed every single time you turned the corner and went into Heechul hyung’s room. You just stayed there and watched him cry. Sometimes, you cried together with him, other times, you just hugged him and sang to him until he fell asleep. During that time, I leaned against the wall and waited for you to come out, but you never did. You spent the night there, leaving me alone, in a cold room. I missed you so much, but I don’t think you knew. But if you did know, would you care?

I don’t think that I’ll solve anything by listing the members that left. After Hankyung hyung and Kibum, Kang In hyung went to army and more than a year later, Heechul hyung did the same. You blamed SM for everything, even for your father’s death, but deep in you, you knew the truth. They may have been responsible for our band being torn apart, but for your father’s death, they weren’t. Now you’d say “You don’t know anything! That’s how you show me how much you love me, by taking their side?”. Oh, my love! I can’t express in words or actions how much I care for you. If I could, I would die for you. I know that sounds cheesy, but I would do it if necessary. And now, talking about it, I have a question: would you do the same for me?

There’s no need to say anything. You’ve already answered that when you were the last one to leave. We were all shocked, especially Leeteuk hyung. He thought Super Junior would last forever, but it looks like it won’t as it is losing pieces as the years pass. He cried. Did you even think of the consequences when you did it? You clearly didn’t. You just grabbed your jacket and your things and walked out the door, without even looking back to tell us “Goodbye!”, to tell me “Goodbye!”. A part of me hates you for this, but the other one is still in love with you, because that side is still living in the past and thinking about the old you.

Donghae-yah, look what your stupid revenge has done to you. Do you like what you’ve become? I saw the pictures on the internet of you getting out of that club and I’ve heard those rumours about you being rude to some fans. Please, whatever you do, just don’t take it out on them. Have me. Kill me, punch me, stomp on me, throw me off a bridge, do whatever you want, just don’t involve the world in this shit.

Baby, I wonder if you still remember all the times we spent together, if you still think about me as much as I think about you, if you still have my heart. Did you forget? I gave it to you a long time ago and you promised you’d take care of it. If you still have it, then why does it hurt so much? Is it your heart that beats in my chest or did you take it back? If it is, then I’m happy, not because it shows that you still love me, but because you won’t be the one that’s hurt.