Basically, this is a book that describes me almost everyday. When ever I'm feeling a certain way I come to this book and fill in another page. Some parts may be a bit cringing, but it's just how I feel. If you don't like it don't read it, and please...
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This summer I found love, though it only lasted a good few weeks and then.....I lost it. All because of my ignorance and stupidity. For the past several months I've been getting my broken because of the want of true love, for the past several months I didn't seem to be able to get anything right.....9th was terrible, 10th grade was no better, I have no idea if my feelings are getting better or worse. I've been baptized for crying out loud and I'm still messed up....Of all break ups this one hurt me the most.....after the break up we were still friends knowing that we still loved each other, but one day......he told me something that broke my heart into pieces.....Now I've been beaten, betrayed, left behind, broken hearted, bullied, used, abused and many other things but.....I have never.....had anyone.....have a terrifying nightmare about me.......and then in several nights in a row and are still having them......and no matter how I try....nothing I do or say seems to make him feel better......or get rid of his nightmare.....
"Hey tell me what you like about me" I say
*he tells me at least 30 things he likes about me and I'm flattered and happy*
"Hey can I tell you....something...." he asks
"Yea sure" I smile
"I've been.....I've had...."
*tilts my head in confusion*
"For the past few nights I've been.....having nightmares about you...."
"*blinks in confusion and slight sadness* w-what.....what do you mean?"
"It's the same one every night.....do you wanna hear about it...."
"*bites my lips and nods slowly*"
"Well, when I fall asleep the first thing I see are you and your parents you guys are telling me something but I can't hear it, it's like your mouths are moving but nothing's coming out..... *I sit silently as I listen* then you walk up to me with a huge sharp knife and start stabbing me with it and tell me things like: I never loved you, it was all fake, I was just playing you just to get your phone and your money *I bite my lip and look away trying to hold in my tears as my heart is completely* the I end up in the hospital the doctors say that nothing can be done for they say "let's end his misery and get it over with" they inject with me with something and I die and that's when I wake up"
"*looks at him* did you look at the picture I drew for you?"
"Yea but it doesn't work.....you do still love me right......"
*nods slightly*
*he smiles then he has to go back home and I go back inside my house while my siblings are still outside playing my parents have to talk to me about something and all I'm thinking about what I was told outside*
Days later he says "I'm still having the nightmares" I say nothing. As the days go by he asks things like "do you still love me?" I say "Javier my answer will always remain the same" "oh ok *and he smiles*" then he starts asking me "do you love me for real or just for my phone?" I look at him clearly offended "don't you trust" "I do I just wanna know" I look away, the more he ask the more silent I get, the more he asks the more I believe he doesn't trust me anymore, the more he asks the more my love for him fades away, the more he asks the more I start to just ignore him....... I'm actually kind of glad my mom made not go outside anymore 'cause the grass got messed up, I didn't wanna see him anymore, I ended up having a bad dream about him as well where he and some friends were climbing a tree and he kicked a giant branch at me and it almost landed on me. He didn't ask me if I was okay, only his little sister and my 10th grade biology teacher (not sure why she was there), but I woke up It didn't bother me 'cause I knew it was just dream, it's not like I feelings for him anyways.....I don't know what to do with myself anymore.....I keep having these fantasies about people who are and aren't real, wishing that they were real, that I would get to actually get to have a life with them......but who would want a messed up girl like me.......like the crane I wish I could fly away from this world and go somewhere else, like the feathers I feel my life and love slipping away......I wish there was someone out there who would love me for me.....but no one would want me......I feel so broken and lost.....
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