Sixteen Years old
I take one last hit, letting the salty water drip from my eyes. My body feeling tight. I want relief.
I pull out my cigarette pack along with my lighter. I pinch down and light the cigarette I took out. Gliding against the back wall feeling myself losing it inside in out. I couldn't help the small sob coming out from my throat.
"Stop!" I scream at myself. My breathing getting louder, my thoughts getting heavy like the air pulling me down. My thoughts scream.
This isn't the movies honey... no one you know is going to pop out and ask if you're okay.
Why not? My positive thoughts snaps.
You have no one who cares, and not for a lack of trying.
"Fuck!" I scream. Someone hear me. Someone fucking save me.
Why not say "someone kill me" my inner thoughts laugh "I'll be gone if you kill me"
"Yes!" my anger fly's to the word. Yes I don't want these thoughts here anymore. I stand from the concrete and run to the front of my house leaving the ally. I let my cigarette fall to the floor. Letting my tears fall from the wind,
Yes... Yes.
I stand in front of my house, panting loudly. I need to end this!
You need to end you. Another thought sneakingly pops up.
My house is nothing but a typical crack house. A dump. The house is a dark shit brown, the doors broken and multiple shot wholes from Mason trying to give us a message.
Dumb ass, it's your fault! why would you steal drugs from the a man who owns your ass."Shut up!" The windows we have left shattered. Fuck mom you better not be in there.
I rush inside trying to push off my thoughts. I rush inside hoping everything will be okay but once I am inside my fears play in front of me.
"Mom!" I rush to her, she is lying on the floor blood pooling the back of her head. "N-no, no-n-no" I sob and with my left hands wrapping around her head while my hands squeezes her hand. I could see every imprint Mason left on her. She doesn't look dead but she isn't breathing. Black makeup everywhere. The red lip stick smeared all over her big lips.
"Mom!" I scream, I hear glasses shatter and my eyes flicker to the kitchen than I see Mason walking slowly sitting in the couch on my left. Blood starts dripping from his nose. I looks down at his hands he is holding a gun, before my eyes could wide I blink hard. Its okay... it is okay.
"Can you call the ambulance?" his eyes stir around the room than looking at my eyes.
"Call the ambulance what?"
"Sir" I say clipped. I can feel my blood boiling , she's gone! I look at her. I know she is dead. Its my fault.
"That's fucking right" he says than standing kneeling in front of me my mom... my dead mom between us. I feel against my throat wet. Shit I am crying. Fuck. "Ahh! Don't cry, you know what I do to you when you cry" he mouths at me. I cant take this, I don't care I don't want to be alive any way. Or where are you now fucked up thoughts, nothing to say!
I feel a hard grip grasp my upper arm. I am pulling away from mom.
"Mom!" I cry out knowing he already saw me cry. He pulls me into my room pushing me on my bed with head crashing against the headboard. Ah! That hurt. It's okay mom I am coming. I'll see you mom...soon.
"Shut up, she is dead dumb bitch" he growls
"Why?" I ask I need to know before I can run.
"Why?" he laughs closing the door behind him. No running anymore. Shit! He sets his gun on top on the edge of the bed. "why what?" he slowly crawls up to me.
"Why did you kill mom?" he doesn't look at me. He is doing it again, he is searching for his wife in my eyes.
"She killed herself" he smiles again this lips
I blink radidly... what did he say? He hands touching me
"That makes no sense stop!"
Please stop.
