I texted you today. You said hi. You told me that one of our friends couldn't come today to our meeting. That made us three now that were going to the meeting. You told me out other friend couldn't come either. I got scared. It was going to be just the two of us. I got even more scared because i don't want to be alone with you or i might ruin it. I said i had a lot of homework and couldn't come. I lied. You got angry at me and didn't respond. Im still waiting for a message. But you are never going to send it. After all i didn't meant a thing to you and you didn't meant a thing to me. I really hope that one day we meet again, at a store or a coffe place. I hope we can talk again in a future and think about all the wrong things that we made and find a solution. But not know or today or tomorrow. Just in a few years. When we are complete strangers again. That way i can fall in love with you again. Even if it's 5 minutes in love with you, I'll take it. But that has to happen in a future. I'm still trying to recover from old scars and the new one i just got. I feel sick. I feel bad. I know i did something wrong at lying to you. But i can't erase it. I know i have to move on with life. But it still hurts. It hurts knowing that i wont see you or talk to you, playing videogames with you was like a hobbie that i never wanted to lose, but hobbies come and go and i have to let go of this one. I have to let go of you. If you do text me, i won't know what to do. I don't want to ignore you. You are going to get even more mad at me. I get scared when you get mad. You start yelling and getting frustated and i cry. I cry when you don't hear me. All those times that i told you that i cried were true. I cry every single day, even if it is for stupid things. I'm a crybaby when people are not seeing or hearing me. I cry in silence at the car and in my room. When i take a bath i cry with the loud water ruing down my body and the radio with all the volume up so that they don't hear me. I cry when there's nobody at home. I'm crying right now silently since my parents work at home. I'm a mess. And i don't care at this point. Because when I'm done crying i feel relaxed and sometimes i feel like i can do anything. It doesn't happen that often anymore so i can't explain again how it feels. But i know that deep inside me in my heart there's that feeling. The feeling that i can do anything. I miss it. I miss saying fuck it and jumping down the trampoline at the pool. I miss those moments when you and me were friends and could do anything. I miss you. Not really. I'm having mixed emotions and i don't know what to do at this rate. But one day I'll be okay. I know that. And if you somehow found this journal, or i send it to you at some point in my life. Please help me. You know who you are. I text you every day that i can. But it won't happen again. I promise. I'm sorry for bothering you all these years. Goodbye.
