Deep feelings and thoughts

My apoligies

A/N: okay guys so i wrote this as kind of like a draft E-mail/Suicide note to send to some of my friends at school, i never got around to sending it but this is what i thought and felt at the time. 

I'm sorry to everyone who receives this E-mail. I'm sorry for ever starting "my school" and completely fucking up everyone's lives. I wish i had never hurt any of you, you have no idea how sorry and regretful i am. I wish i could take it all back and i'm sorry that i can't. I know i have a lot of friends and family that care about me and love me but that's not what this is about, what this is about is the fact that i feel like i'm never going to be okay again. I feel lost. I feel like i have no purpose in life and i'm never going to find it. I'm never going to be good enough, I'm never going to amount to anything so what's the point? I feel like even though i'm surrounded by all these people i still feel lonely. I feel... sad, but for no particular reason. Everyone's always telling me "it's not fair if you kill yourself" "it's not fair if you leave me behind" no, what's not fair is the fact that i have to sit here and feel like this. Worthless. Pathetic. Like absolute shit but not being able to tell anyone, in fear of being judged and having them make it worse. I don't actually want to kill myself,  want to die sometimes but i don't actually really want to kill myself. I wish you guys would understand how i feel sometimes. I want to disappear into thin air, i want to vanish, go somewhere where no one knows me, where no one will bother me ever again. Where i can be left alone by everyone. I've built my walls so high, no one can break them down. So maybe i have found my purpose in life, to kill myself. Make the night sky brighter by adding another star.