Thank you for blocking me

You contacted me on Facebook. I was in awe for I didn't know what to talk to a man who didn't belong to my nationality, who stayed miles away from my country. We started with lovely conversations followed by thoughts on love and relationship. You were 57, I was 18. Even when I got to know about your age, I didn't stop talking to you because I had always been attracted to men older than me. You, however, were way too old, for my liking. Yet, I was swayed away by your chivalry, manners, gentleness and dirty texts.

You blocked me for the first time when I told you I liked someone else. We didn't talk for a week. When I saw you unblocked me, I sent you horrendous texts, asking for an explanation why you did that. I was so hurt, but at that time, I wasn't in love with you. Why? Because I was scared to love a man almost 40 years elder to me. How could I fall in love with a man older than my own father? How could you love a girl who was of your daughter's age? I always prayed for a boyfriend who was old, but my age limit stopped at 40. Still, after fighting with you, we started talking once again. One thing which I missed at that time was how you didn't give me any explanations or how you didn't question me why I didn't "love" you the way you loved me. Fast forward to 3 months and I fell in love with you. It took me three months but during that time, I was loving the "attention and love shower" which you were giving me. I loved your drunk texts, your husky voice notes. I loved every bit of it. I told you "I love you" and you were in tears, you couldn't control your happiness. I was happier than you because for the first time I had come to like a person whose feelings were stronger than mine. Who loved me more than I loved him. Who was ready to marry me. Yes, he told me a million times that he wants me to be his wife. Of course, that wasn't realistic, but for a person who loved the idea of marriage and commitment, this was a dream come true.

Our time zones were fucked up. When you slept, I was wide awake. When I slept, you were free. In the beginning, I managed to stay up late for you, just to read your messages and giggle while the lights were off. But soon I realized I was having headaches because of this. Also, I had sinus, so it was triggered whenever I didn't get proper sleep. So I stopped, but I sleep texted you almost every night. We had deep conversations, you told me about the "Redhead" who you loved to death, but she left you. You told me about the countless women you were intimate with. You told me about your innumerable live-ins. You told me how your girlfriend aborted your baby. I was shattered, I still am. Might be for a few months or years. It was too much to take in, especially for a girl who is a virgin and was never in a relationship before him. You apologized, I said it's alright but it wasn't. Why should I be with a man who fucked almost half of his country? Why should I get the "Old-Used-Material"? Why wasn't I lucky enough to be his girlfriend when he was 27? Then I thought, I wasn't born when he was 27, my liking was of old men and old men have been with a lot of women, therefore they are experienced, or at least what I thought him to be. He was never married, neither did he have kids. But he would if that girlfriend of his didn't get an abortion done. This thing had always been suspicious to me- a man who was so handsome, tall, intelligent and quite rich, didn't marry? I always asked him, I even told him he must be divorced but he denied whatever I said. Maybe he wasn't married. Maybe he was. All this while, from the day he messaged me, till now, he begged me to meet him. He was ready to fly to my place and spend a weekend with me. We planned our trips to Budapest and Tokyo. He said he'd love to move in with me and had no problems in shifting out from his home country. We made so many scenarios. Scenarios filled with cuddling, kissing, making out in almost every part of his and my house, fucking three times a day and more on weekends, having sex in the airplane bathroom, becoming a part of the Mile High Club. He wanted to 'make love to me' and then 'fuck my brains out' because he was so much in love with me- well, he confused it with lust. He had lust, it was never love. Never.

Soon after commitment, I came to realize he started taking me for granted. He messaged me only when he was free, or bored. He still told me how badly he wants to fly to my place and how badly he wants to "dive into my deep brown eyes" and "kiss my soft, pink lips". He called me "baby", "honey", "sweetheart", everything I wanted to hear from him. The way he said "I love you so much baby" was simply music to my ears. It was the most beautiful feeling. He made me feel wanted and loved. However, these feelings started to fade away because our messages were limited to "Good morning, have a nice day at work" to "Good night, sweet dreams". One or two messages during the day but that's it. He went to his reunion party but didn't message me even once when I tried to contact him. One thing about him was, he never tried to sort out an argument. He simply ran away from it. He never sat down and discussed the problems which we both faced. He always told me "I thought you were mad at me", "I thought you were disgusted with me, so I left you alone.". Is this the way how you tackle an argument in a relationship? Is that the reason why he was never married because he didn't console his girlfriends and gave them too much space? Is that why none of his relationships worked out and he still lives alone with his cat?

I had once stalked him on Twitter and Instagram and I saw his following list- I was more than disappointed because he followed all those models who had huge boobs and asses. His comments on their pictures made me want to kill myself. He was a complete perverted oldie. I told him about this and he immediately deleted his accounts from almost all places except Facebook because he and I only had Facebook in common. He begged for forgiveness, he had gone crazy, saying he'd die if I didn't give him a second chance. Called me his "angel", "cosmic gift", "sweetest darling on the planet", all of it was a lie. A huge fucking lie. He didn't mean any of it. Also, what's the assurance that he might not view those profiles once again? Deleting your account doesn't mean you cannot access them. Also, after hardcore stalking, I got to know he was a criminal and had been in prison for quite a few days. He was involved in theft as well. All of it was so so SO shocking that I was about to faint. My friends begged me to stay away from him but I didn't. I continued to talk to him because it was too late. But I always thought, he might be saying the same thing to five other girls at the same time. He might be going out on dates with other ladies while telling me he was busy mowing the lawn. He could also use me as a rebound. He was in love with my youth, my virginity, my innocence, not who I was as a human.

After some time, came a week which I would refer to as "Heart-break-and-ego-crushed". For the entire week, we had a very vague conversation. No voice messages, only texts, which were so bland, it felt like we had a duty to text each other because we had to, not because we wanted to. Then came the day when I shouted at him, I sent him a voice note screaming at the top of my lungs. He blocked me after listening to it. From WhatsApp and Facebook, I was blocked. I was so confused because I just shouted, didn't hit him or anything. Was screaming on you a crime? Did my outburst scare you? Why did you block me? Weren't you my boyfriend? Didn't you want to marry me? Was it so offending to you that you blocked me as soon as you could? Usually, when a couple fights, they stop talking for a few hours or days but here, he blocked me out of his life.

Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for ignoring me when I needed you the most. Thank you for all those fake love messages. Thank you for the false compliments. Thank you for giving me butterflies which you killed within a few weeks. Thank you for making me scared of the concept of love, once again. Thank you for running away from me when I wanted you to tell me that it would be alright and you would never leave me. I love you but I love myself more. I will let this feeling go and try to be the best version of myself. I hope wherever you are, you are happy and find a person who doesn't know how to be angry. I wish you buy a sex doll for yourself because that'd satisfy your filthy desires and that doll wouldn't get angry at you.

[ This was based on my actual experience with an old man. All of this is true.]

{Bless my soul with your votes and comments, you gorgeous souls <3 }