21 Things I Hate About You (Zayn Malik)

Chapter 11- Nothing's Fine I'm Torn

11. I hate the feelings he gave me.

I cried. And cried. What was my life becoming? I kissed Zayn and liked it. A lot. I sat on the floor and cried. For hours. I was so mixed up and confused. My feelings of hate were mixing with something else I wasn’t sure of. Was it love? No, it couldn’t be could it? I just wanted to be with him and kiss him again. My thoughts caused me more distress and tears. Eventually, I found my bed and just laid on top of it. Just thinking and more crying.

All the thoughts raced through my mind. What would happen when I had to see him again? What would I say? Should I pretend it didn’t even happen? Should I tell him I liked it? Throughout this process I slowly realized that he kissed me first. Then more questions happened to fall upon my mind. Did he like me? Was it just caught up in the moment? Was he just finding the best way to shut me up? I overthought as usual until I fell asleep on a pile of tissues.

The next morning we had to leave again. I slowly woke up and went to the bathroom. As I did I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Awful. Knotted long brown hair, smeared mascara and make-up all over my face and, really read puffy eyes from all the crying. We had to leave early so I had to get myself together. I hadn’t planned how I was going to act around Zayn but I had a bit of time.

I got dressed in Victoria’s secret yoga pants, a large grey sweatshirt with a bud red heart on the front, and flip-flops. It was travel who needed to be classy? Not me.  I packed my small bag and work and quickly threw my hair in a side braid and headed downstairs. I looked in the mirror one last time and I was wearing no make-up and I had the most red and puffy eyes probably ever.

I headed to the bus and packed my things away and keep my large purse next to me. Everyone was in a hustle and bustle and I hadn’t seen Zayn yet. I saw Lou Teasdale coming out of the hotel and I went to go talk to her.

“Hey, Lou.” my voice numb.

“Hey baby doll! How’s it going?” she smiled sweetly while carrying things out to the bus. I offered to help andshe gave me some of her load.

“Well, it’s not….okay..good…whatever.” I said.

‘What’s wrong this time?” she looked concerned.

“I, it happened so fast……and now I’m confused…and—“ is all I said until I broke down in tears again. Lou put her stuff down and hugged me.

"Hold up what are you even talking about?" she looked confused.

"Zayn. He and I had a um..moment? Um" it was just awkward.

"Moment? Like getting along or?" she continued confused.

"Kiss." I said one word. I broke into tears again.

“Aw, sweetie what it is it’s going to be fine! Don’t worry you pretty little head!”

"But I'm...I can't even look at him. What am I going to do?"

"Remember what I said before."

Her words helped and I stopped crying and gathered myself and headed off to the bus. Zayn still wasn’t on yet so I was good for now. 

I slowly remember her words from before to about how to follow your heart. Right now my heart said stay away from Zayn. I couldn't be falling for my emeny could I?

Soon everybody was ready to head out and Zayn entered the bus and my heart froze. He looked perfect. Face, body, hair, eyes, teeth, voice, lips….. Everything. I wanted him. But I thought again to myself….not too long ago we hated each other. Could that change? I’d never date someone I worked with. We all know what happened with Josh Devine on that one. It would be a mistake. But at this point I couldn't deny the fact I had some feelings for me. It was like a warm light and everytime I saw him it burned bright and shined. I was confused at what to do. He was perfect but I just couldn't.

I looked away. He could tell I’d been crying and see my red puffy eyes. I just acted like nothing happened and I acted coolly with him.

We went the whole day like this as we arrived in another city in America. At this point I didn’t  even care. We had a concert two days in a row so I could avoid me more.

The two days went by and everything went smoothly and we didn’t even talk much other than chit chat.

We were headed to Huston the next day and had two days there. I only know because I heard someone announce it.

Before we left for Texas I was taking another midnight walk and as I was coming up the elevator and checked my phone. I hadn’t for ages. I had a bunch of texts and calls from Zayn. I didn’t think I could read them without crying. But as the elevator doors opened, I was Zayn Malik standing right in front of me.