21 Things I Hate About You (Zayn Malik)

Chapter 6- Restless Nights

6. I hate his understanding.

After the show we were still staying in Atlanta and leaving in the morning so everyone just slept on the buses. I stayed on the boys’ bus of course since I was their personal assistant. Of course I had my own bed. That would be weird.

After the hype of the concert wore off everyone headed back to bed. I couldn't sleep I was torn. Josh was mad at me and I made things worse. I angered Zayn that morning and I was a totally jerk to him at the concert for no reason. I did not have any right to act the way I did. I was just blah. I didn't have words for my behavior. I decided to take a walk outside around the busses and clear my head.

I realized I was wearing pajama shorts and a t-shirt but whatever at least I had the decency to put on some converse. White ones with pink accents.  I tried to be quite and I thought I was. 

I started pacing in circles trying to sort out what my life had become. I couldn't fathom anything rational at that point. I was thinking about Liam, Lou, and Josh. Liam said I shouldn't fight with Zayn and I would know why eventually. Lou Teasdale said to follow my heart, and Josh said I had feelings for Zayn. Yeah, feeling like how bad I wanted to punch him.  

I didn’t even know. I didn’t like Zayn and I couldn’t ever. We both didn’t like each other. What was everyone talking about? Sometimes I felt clueless and I just didn’t know what to do.  I began crying silent tears.

I started to shiver. It was surprising cold at night in Atlanta in the summer. I could see my breath in the air. My tears were cold on the cheeks. I huffed again and continued walking around.

I suddenly felt a something heavy being put onto my shoulders. I turned around and saw Zayn. He put a leather jacket on me. “Thought you might be cold. It’s leather but really warm.”

He looked into my face and saw my red eyes and tears dripping down my face. I put my selves through the jacket and sighed to cut the silence.  “Let’s walk a bit. You don’t have to talk we can just walk,” he said and I nodded my head.

We walked around and I watched our breath form in the air and carry away. Occasionally our arms would bump and our fingers would touch. I’d look away awkwardly and cough. At some point we ended up just sitting on a curb in some parking lot. Not talking just being there. I started crying again. It was an emotional day for me.  He put his arm around me and I leaned into his shoulder while I cried. I didn’t even care that it was him. I just needed somebody.  I didn’t want to break the silence. But someone had to and I guess it was me.

“You know. I’ve done a great job of screwing everything up.” I sniffled. I didn’t care if he didn’t say anything. I just need to get this off my chest a bit. “I don’t know sometimes my anger gets the better of me and I snap. I’m a horrible person and I know that. I’ve managed to hurt Josh and make him hate me. I know I’ve made a mess of whatever we are, friends, enemies, I don’t know. I honestly can’t stand you and you can’t stand me so we’re even there. But I’ve been wrong to say mean things to you and I am truly sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make you hate me and treat me like crap. I’m sorry that I’ve been an awful person and played the mean cards right back at you. I just want to be a person that doesn’t care so much about every little thing that bothers them. I wish I could let go of some things and not be so uptight. I wish …” I couldn’t go on the tears came on again as I thought of the mess I’ve made.

Zayn didn’t say anything. I looked up and he was just staring straight ahead at nothing. I could see him breathing. He was deep in thought. I continued to cry. Suddenly he picked up my head between his hands and wiped on of my tears away. “Listen to me.” He said as I was about to look away. “I should be sorry. I’ve only made you think I hate you and made everything worse. I’m as much to blame for this as you are. Don’t put it all on yourself. I just want to be able to…to…..I just can’t talk right now. We are both hurting. We are hurting differently I know. If I told you what was hurting me you just couldn’t understand. And I won’t pretend to understand how you feel.”

I looked out onto the parking lot and stared off thinking. This was a bit of a break through. Maybe Zayn didn’t hate me just maybe he didn’t like me at all. I guess it was better. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about us both hurting. He has nothing to be hurting for or of. I didn’t understand.

“Let’s get back. It’s freezing and it late.” I said quietly.

“Okay.” He stood up and reached for my hand to pull me off the curb.

We walked back to the buses silent again. Just thinking. When we got there we opened the bus and got in. We went to our separate bunks and went to sleep.  I had a restless night because I hated the fact that he somewhat knew what I was going through. Like he was trying to get into my mind.

Like lately, I dreamed of Zayn Malik once again.