ensoleillement ▷ j. kiszka

CHAPTER NINE !

she had been a slump all day. her hands were an almost shaking mess, trying to hold cups, plates and bowls were becoming an olympic competition and she was in dead last. eli was terrified about tomorrow and how he would leave her for another country. she couldn't hold him back, no. he was living his dreams and she was proud of him, wanting him to do that. but there was a selfish part of her that wanted him to stay in her arms forever. she had spent almost every day with him and suddenly, he was gone from her touch. tonight was going to be an invasion of privacy, and that was just nerve-racking enough. what if she wasn't enough for him? he was beautiful, almost perfect in every way. it made her stomach twist. 

having the talking with willow last night didn't help but either. 

  ❀❀❀  

"fuck, you're in deep." she mumbled, looking at the brunette. the other's face was damp with tears. she was frustrated, confused, not sure if she wanted this to happen to her so soon. love, relationships, all that invited someone else in  wasn't her strongest subject. she really hoped that josh wasn't her soulmate. he was going to cause her so much pain. but was it him that was going to be causing her pain? or was it the internal conflict that was inside of her. she needed to invite him in, change her life completely?

or what if they turned into james gatz and daisy buchanan? them finding separate lives but coming toward each other at awful times. she couldn't have that. she couldn't settle for someone just to have someone while he was off somewhere living the ultimate dream. and suddenly he's back into her life. the thought of that had her stomach reeling, heart racing, palm sweating. 

"i fell in love too fast." eli's eyes were down at her fingers, playing with the fabric of her blanket before meeting the blonde's eyes. but she wasn't sure if it was bad thing. there were iconic characters in literature and even in real life that had that happen to them, but maybe she was more terrified of becoming like her father and her mother. bruises appearing on pale skin, reminders of the living nightmares from the night before. 

"just let him in, eli. i know you're scared of becoming your parents, but i know you won't. first of all, you're nothing like your mother from what i hear. josh is nothing like your father. i know that for a fact. small town, same high school, you know? its... going to be okay. what's he going to do? the worst he can do is break up with you. do you even have a label? you didn't want that, right? i'm not trying to grill you, but i know the worst he could do would break it off." willow chewed on her lower lip, trying not to hit a word vomit wall, but she did. 

eli exhaled, nodding her head, "okay." there was a smile on her lips, nodding her head again. she was going to let him in. 

  ❀❀❀   

eli was dressed the same as she would normally. she didn't want to make this such a big deal when it was just two bodies coming together for the first time. she sat on her couch in a pair of jeans, large black sabbath shirt that tucked into the front of her jeans. the only thing that would be different was her undergarments choice -- they were lace. the bra was black, lace, more so a bralet with panties to match. it was a secret that only she and josh would know. 

josh had already arrived without her knowing. he sat in his car with his fingers around the wheel. her back was toward the door, not seeing his car through the windows. his heart was racing, falling into the pit of his stomach every so often. obviously, this wasn't his first time, but he hadn't felt this nervous since his actual first time. this felt special, something that was going to be remembered until he had his final breath. something he could write a song about.