Euthanasia [COMPLETED]

Epilogue

(PLAY THE MUSIC ABOVE. ULITIN IF NATAPOS AGAD)

Thorn's POV

It's been a week since I had my surgery.

After kong malaman ang nangyari, I was fucking livid. Di ko mapigilang magwala sa hospital. Nilabas ko lahat ng galit ko. I was so fucking mad at my parents for agreeing to this. Tanginang buhay yan. Bakit ba napakamalas ko?

Yes I lived, pero tangina parang namatay lang din ako when I heard she's already gone. I lost her even if she wasn't mine.

It's been days nung huling beses akong kumain o kahit matulog man lang. I felt so guilty. I felt so fucking stupid. Nagkulong lang ako sa kwarto ko sa bahay ng isang buong linggo. Wala akong kinakausap. Para na akong mababaliw. They tried reaching out, but I kept on shutting the door.

Napahawak ako sa puso ko. Sa puso niya. Napakagat nanaman ako sa labi ko at di ko nanaman mapigilan maiyak. Damn it!

I wanted to commit suicide pero kapag nagpakamatay ako, Chloe's sacrifice will be useless. I can't do that to her. The pain I'm feeling now? Doble pa ito kaysa dun sa disorder ko.

Kung alam ko lang na ito ang kahahantungan ng deal namin ni Winter ay sana hindi ako pumayag. Sana tinuloy ko na lang ang euthanasia. Sana ako na lang.

I thought having a deal with the devil is bad, but now I can say that having a deal with a doctor is fucking worse.

Nakahiga lang ako sa kama ko, staring at the blank ceiling as I remembered the times I shared with Chloe. Those wonderful times.

Napatayo ako nang maalala ko na may inabot sa akin na sobre si Husher after my surgery. Where the hell did I put that?

Hinanap ko pa ito sa buong kwarto ko pero di ko ito makita. Napatingin ako sa libro na madalas kong binabasa noong nasa hospital ako. Napataas ang kilay ko dahil parang may nakaipit dito.

Agad akong tumayo at nilapitan ito. Binuklat ko ito at bumungad sa akin ang sobreng binigay sa akin. Binuksan ko ito at agad akong natigilan once I realized that it was a letter from Chloe. Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Uneven breathing was evident in my system. Di ko namalayan na nanginginig ang kamay ko nang buksan ko ito.

To the man who dies repeatedly,

I'm probably dead by now and thank goodness that you're alive and reading this. I'm sorry Lazarus. I'm so sorry for doing this to you.

You must be thinking na ginawa ko ang stunt na yon dahil doctor mo ako, yes that's part of the reason but that's not all. I wanted to prove that I am a miracle doctor, walang pasyenteng namatay sa kamay ko. Mas okay ng ako ang mamatay. Ang taas ng pride ko diba? I won't let you have euthanasia. Never. But like I said, that's not all.

Seven years ago you saved a girl from an accident. Because of that accident, nakuha mo ang disorder na yan. When you shared that story to me, nagulat ako. I was that girl you saved. Kaya siguro sinasabi mo na parang ang pamilyar ko. Well, I guess now you know why.

Kaya sobra-sobra ang pagpursigi ko na mapagaling kita, some kind of payment from the kindness you gave me before. You saved me. I would've died kung hindi ka humarang. You gave me another chance to live, risking your own life. Nang malaman kong ikaw ang lalaking yon, sobra ang konsensya na naramdaman ko. Lalo na tuwing sinasabi mong you shouldn't have saved me back then para hindi mo nakuha ang disorder. I felt so guilty. Dahil sa akin nagkaroon ka ng rare disorder. I couldn't stand seeing you like that knowing it was my fault all along. When you said you wanted to have euthanasia? That was my ultimate trigger.

Kaya nung kinuhaan ko ng test ang sarili ko and it turned out na compatible donor ako. I saw an oppurtunity to make it up to you. You suffered seven long years because of me and I am so sorry for that. This is the only thing I can do for you. Kaya hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pa na ibigay ang puso ko sayo. Maybe I was meant to die all along, dahil lang sayo kaya tumagal ang buhay ko. We cheated death and your disorder was the consequence.

Death is inevitable right? Maybe it wasn't a coincidence na yung puso ko lang ang compatible donor sa mga oras na iyon. Maybe it was destiny after all. Thanks for giving me seven more years to live on earth while you suffered. It's time to pay you back. It's your turn to live Thorn Lazarus. Go and experience the beauty of life. Stop crying and thinking about me. I'm sorry hindi ko ito nasabi sayo nung buhay pa ako...

I love you Thorn Lazarus. I love you so much and thank you for the short time we shared. That short infinity, because for me it felt like forever when I'm with you. You were my ephemeral love. Now do me a favor, take care of my heart. Our heart. Live a healthy and happy life. I'm practically always with you.

It started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in. Perfect couldn't keep our love alive. You know that I love you, so I love you enough to let you go.

Go and find someone else who will love you better than I did. Experience the things you always read in your books. Don't shut the people around you. Don't waste the sacrifice I made for you. I want you to move on, so I'm already gone. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Your miracle doctor,
Chloe Winter

Di ko napansin na basang basa na pala ang papel na hawak ko dahil sa mga luhang tumutulo. Napapikit na lang ako sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Damn it. Maybe she's right. Maybe we were always meant to say goodbye. I love you too Winter. I love you so fucking much.

It's sad that we didn't even had the chance to say these three words in person. Tangina di naman naging kami pero sobra-sobra yung sakit. We've only known each other for months pero sobra-sobra ang impact na naibigay namin sa isa't isa. Our short infinity.

Kung tatanungin ako kung saan ko maihahalintulad si Winter? Fireworks. I'd definitely say fireworks. Why? Kasi gaya ng fireworks, she was beautifully captivating, passionately intense and euphoric, yet painfully short lasting.

What we had was painfully short lasting. Tumatak sakin ang katagang nabasa ko kaya napangiti ako nang malungkot na may halong pait.

You were my ephemeral love.

Okay Winter. Gagawin ko ang sinabi mo. I'll try to enjoy the life you gave me, but I don't even know if I can find someone better. Wala kaming naging kahit anong label ever since we met. Technically we didn't had any type of love story.

There was love, but there wasn't any story.

It's excruciating. It really is. One of the things I've learned is that the words always seemed so pretty, but the experience never was. Ang tatlong bagay na pinakamahirap kalabanin sa mundong ito ay ang tadhana, oras at kamatayan. Thank you for everything, even if we were nothing to begin with. I smiled bitterly once again with that thought.

We were nothing, but then again 'nothing' lasts forever.

The End