If Only

The end

It had to end sometime. I mean sadness doesn't last forever. Right? When I got home I went into the family and snuggled up close to my mom welcoming the flashes of Samantha when she put her arm around me. I was determined to get better. For grandma. For Samantha. For me.

~1 year later.~

I've been clean for six months now. I no longer cut. But I still have the razors in the secret compartment in case I ever need them. I took the pictures of grandma out of the compartment and put them on my nightstand. She is the first thing I see every morning and the last thing every night. And right next to her is my only picture of Samantha. It was when we were both in inpatient. She has a smile on her face but her eyes are blank. I can't believe I didn't see it before. Any way I just completed my first year of high school. It was rough there is still the stares and I'm know as the girl who was in a mental hospital. But I can deal with it now. And I have a little help. There was a new kid at the beginning of the year.

His name was Nathan. And we became friends quickly. He wasn't bothered that I was in inpatient. In fact he told me he was in it too for depression. He showed me his scars on his wrist and I rolled up my capris and showed him the ones on my thighs. He understands me. I know what you guys might be thinking. Omg they're in love but Nathan is actually gay and I'm okay with it. It only makes him more love able.

I stopped getting the messages. My dad told the cops and the number was traced back to Ryan- my old crush and of course Megan. They were both brought in and got in trouble. And my dad got my number changed.

There are still some bad times where some memories hit home. For example the first time Nathan came to my house.

He walked into my room and looked around. He smiles and said he liked my room. I say thanks and sit on my bed. He sits down next to me and I see his eyes land on Samantha and grandma. "Who are they?" He asked. " this one is my grandma and this cute one here is Samantha." I told him simply. "Well I'll have to meet this Samantha some day soon." "I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want you to meet her for a long time." I answered tears starting to fill my eyes. He gives me as confused look and asked why. "Samantha killed herself a year and a half ago." The tears finally fell it is still painful to think about her laying in the hospital dead. He just hugged me. I'm sorry he said. I told him the whole story how I saw her being put in the ambulance. I felt like he had to know before we could become close friends. He nodded understandingly.

But In all my life has returned in a lot of ways to the beginning. And that is how it ended for me.