I Need You

Still Standing

Immediately Sam and Castiel reached forward and began taking off your restraints. Once you were free you stood up and wobbled a little. Reaching for the table you steadied yourself. When you realized you were okay you looked up at the men who were staring at you in disbelief. Sam came forward and brought you into a hug, "It's good to have you back Y/N. I thought we lost you." Bringing your arms up you hugged your best friend back as tightly as you could. "I thought you did too." Once he released you, a giant smile on his face, Cas came up and awkwardly hugged you as well, "I am very pleased you are okay." You smiled at the angel, "Thanks Cas, for everything. I can't believe I almost..." Looking over you locked eyes with Dean. The moment your eyes had turned back to their beautiful y/e/c he had frozen where he stood.

Slowly he walked forward, stopping in front of you he looked deep into your eyes, "Y/N?" You smiled and nodded, "It's okay Dean, its me, really me." You could see the unshed tears in his eyes as he brought your body into his chest and held you tight. Burying your face into his chest you relished the feeling of being held by Dean. After a while he released you, stepping back. You smiled and looked between the two brothers, as soon as you did though you noticed just how beat up they were. The smile fell from your face and you quickly remembered what had happened, you had hurt them. You had hurt those you loved most, had almost killed them.

Taking a step back you suddenly felt the guilt come crashing in. All of the memories of the past few months flooding back. The drinking, the dancing, the men, and the constant blood shed. You remembered butchering people while they cried and begged for mercy. You remembered picking fights with random people just so you could shed blood and feel the power of the blade coursing through your veins.

Tears welled up in your eyes and you suddenly felt like you couldn't breathe. Sam, Dean, and Cas all noticed and instantly worried expressions showed on their faces. Sam held up his hands and took a step towards you, "Y/N, whatever happened, its over. Your not a demon anymore, your back with us now and your safe." You shook your head looking at the floor, "Sam you don't know, you could never understand what I've done. Look at you! I tried to kill you and Dean!" Before any of them could protest you pushed past them and ran out the door. Running as fast as you could you made your way to your old room and shut the door, locking it behind you.

Walking to the corner of the room you settled yourself between your dresser and the wall, sliding down you brought your knees up. Wrapping your arms around them you closed your eyes and thought back to what felt like forever ago but was really half an hour. You remembered holding the axe, kicking Dean, punching Sam, choking dean, and then almost....

The tears wouldn't stop flowing, the guilt eating you up inside. It physically hurt and you began to have trouble breathing again. It continued to get worse and you realized what was happening, you were having a panic attack. Faintly you heard your name being called and knocking from somewhere. You were unable to answer though as your breathing became shallow and your eyesight started going in and out. Sitting forward onto your knees you tried to draw in breath and realized you couldn't.

In your life this had only happened twice, but you knew the signs. The pain in your chest and the black edges of your vision made it pretty clear. This is it, this is how I die. You thought to yourself, its not like I deserve to live anyway. I'm a monster.

You heard a loud crash somewhere in the back of your mind and then suddenly there were warm hands on your back. "Y/N! Come on baby breathe for me!" You recognized Deans voice although it was fuzzy. Your ears seemed to be full of cotton and you could do nothing but continue to panic. Dean realized you couldn't get it under control and lifted your body off the floor. Walking forward towards your bed he sat down with his back against your headboard and sat you against his chest facing forward. Wrapping his arms around you he leaned his head down until his mouth was by your ear. "Breathe with me, feel my chest moving up and down. Come on Y/N you can do this. breathe in and out. I need you to breathe with me."

Moving your hands to his legs you set them on his knees and squeezed, signalling you had heard him. You tried your hardest to concentrate on Deans body against yours. When he breathed in so did you, when he released you did too. After a few minutes you were finally able to breathe, moving with Dean and slowly regaining control of your lungs. Your eyes finally focused as well, enabling you to see Sam and Cas standing at the foot of your bed, horrified expressions on their faces. Dean could tell you were finally calming down, you still couldn't talk but that was okay, he just needed you to listen.

Tightening his grip on you he closed his eyes, "Listen to me Y/N, I don't know everything that happened since you left, and I don't care. I don't care who you killed, I don't care about you trying to kill us, I don't even care about your apparent love of stripping. Okay maybe I do care about that one a little." You rolled your eyes and hit his arm in response. "What I'm trying to say, is we love you. Your family and you'll always be a part of us. We've all done shit we're not proud of. And at the end of the day, we're still standing. They haven't been able to break us yet, don't let em break you now. Just like everything else we've faced, we're gonna beat this, together."

You squeezed your eyes shut, Dean could feel the tears hitting his arm and buried his face in your neck. Sam reached forward and squeezed your hand, "We'll be here when your ready, just get some rest for now." He and Cas quietly made their way out of the room, leaving you alone with Dean. You tapped his arm and he reluctantly released you. Leaning forward you turned around to face him.

"Dean, I need you to know something." Your voice was weak but you knew you had to say this. "When I was a demon, I said some horrible things. And I wish I could take them back, but I can't." Reaching forward you took one of his hands in both of yours. Looking at the entwined fingers you continued, "You need to know I've never thought of you as anything but the strongest man I know. After everything you've faced in this life you keep coming back stronger and ready to fight. Everyone you've lost were horrible accidents, its part of the life we live losing those we love."

At this you looked up into his green eyes, "And you need to know that I really do love you. With everything I have, I love how you care for Sam, your obsession with Baby, your witty comebacks for everything, the faces you make when someone says something outrageous, and I love the way you protect everyone around you with everything you have."

Dean leaned forward and laid his forehead against yours, "Now that I've got you back I'm never letting you go again. Your everything to me Y/N." You couldn't take it anymore and severed the remaining inches between your lips. Dean pulled you closer and kissed back with gentle passion.

After a moment you both pulled away, exhaustion took over your body making you yawn wide. Dean kissed your forehead and moved to lay you down on the bed. He brushed your hair behind your ear and smiled realizing you were already asleep. Standing up to leave he reached the doorway and turned to look back. The thought of leaving you alone made him shake his head. Coming back to the bed he kicked off his boots and crawled in beside you. He pulled your body into his and you automatically snuggled your head into his chest. Wrapping an arm around your waist he closed his eyes, thanking Chuck that for this moment everything was okay and you were safe in his arms.