Beautiful Illusions (Chris Motionless)

Life Goes On

*one week before Christmas*

(picture of Victoria's stepmom {aka Chelsea} on the side )

It’s so strange how you look back on your life (specifically at a certain moment in your life) and you just think about how you were feeling and it just seem so surreal.

You just can’t believe how things played out and how you reacted to those things. I can’t really imagine some of those things that I did. It’s embarrassing at times but I don’t really about care it.

Sometimes those thoughts to keep me up at night when I’m dying to go to sleep but I just try to not think about them, maybe I’m just trying to numb myself to those thoughts.

She’s been gone for seven months now.

It still breaks my heart whenever I think about her but with time, it’s like I’m anesthetized to the pain I once felt for her.

We have told a few times since she left. The first time was the hardest because I had to get used to the thought of having to speak to her like that. We mostly just assured one other, making sure that everything was okay (even if it didn’t feel that way and we both knew it didn’t).

And every other time that we’ve talked it’s only for a few minutes to inform on other on things that have been going out.

For the first month we would talk for once a week but since that time, it’s been decreasing, just like I knew it would.

Last month we didn’t even speak one word to each other. We’ve only spoken once this month and it was only last week. But I was kind of excited because she did tell me that she would be able to come back for the holidays.

Even though I think it would be very awkward at first, I would love to be able to hold her in my arms once again.

We’ve both gone our separate ways. And I’m okay with that because that’s what I said what would happen and it happened.

For the first few months I was really broken up about the whole thing but with time I just grew out of it. She was still on my mind, but she started to fade away into a memory.

That’s when I realized something very important.

I still think about her because she’s haunting my thoughts. She’s still in my head which was only making me hurt. So then I thought, she’s only there because I’m letting her be there.

I have the power to think about her so I have the power to stop letting it hurt me. She’s not here, so why do I insist on letting it hurt me so much?

She’s a memory and soon enough, I’m predict, she will leave my thoughts on a daily bases. No, I will never forget her because how can I forget someone I love?

But I will stop thinking about her, even though she will always be somewhere in my head.

It’s just a beautiful illusion of love that landed me flat on my ass. I killed the old me and now I feel like I am ready to move on and become something better.

And try to accomplish my own dreams of being a musician. The dream is coming true. Angelo, and two other friends of mine started a band called Motionless In White and we already started writing some songs.

So far we only have three songs, Bleed in Black and White, Trace Out the Heart and Violets are Blue but we still haven’t recorded those songs because we still haven’t bought the things we needed to record it.

But we’re all working and searching for someone that can help us.

See, it feels like I have a new outlook on life. I’m ready to see how my future will turn out. And something big is happening. I’m moving out officially.