Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Part 7

Catalina was holding the papers thoughtfully, the pen halfway from it. All she had to do to start the treatment was to sign that document. But she was not sure if she wanted to.

Sighing, she closed her eyes, trying to think. The first couple of weeks after the break up were the hardest ones; Ferdinand had made sure he would bombard her on Facebook with pictures of him and Selma together, smiling, kissing… The thought of that made Catalina’s eyes water, and she had to wipe the tears away with the back of her hand. She had also lost friends; many people believed she was not doing any good to Ferdinand, as she had become an annoying, demanding woman, and she was not making him happy; on the contrary, as he had told her, she made him miserable.

Catalina felt her hands shaking; miserable, he said? She was the one who supported him all along. She motivated him to go back to studies and helped him to find a job; there was nothing she wouldn’t do to help him. In the mornings, it was Catalina who would call him and wake him up to work or classes, even if she had a free morning and was allowed to sleep longer, she would punctually wake up just to make sure he would do his duties. When he was too full of things to do at college, Catalina was the one who would do his work; Ferdinand was a junior visualizer at an advertising company, and she patiently learned his job in order to help him. Sometimes she would stay up late at night finishing both her work and his. She would also help him to study; there were times he got frustrated with the amount of subjects to review before an exam, and she would patiently stay with him, keeping him awake and focused, listening to him going through Law lessons that she could not understand a thing, but still always would give him a proud smile when he managed to dominate each subject. Catalina was the one who listened to him, no matter what he would talk about; she was always interested in whatever he had to say. And when he needed a crying shoulder, she would open her arms and he would cry to her, hearing her loving words assuring it was only a bad time and soon the storm would become a rainbow. She was always careful enough not to attract male attention so he would feel safe…

She shuddered; never had she thought of how much she had done for him, ever. Catalina realized that she had done more than many women would have. She did not regret or felt bad about those, not at all; she as glad, because it was all spontaneous and genuinely caring, without expecting anything in exchange.

“Nothing in exchange”, she thought, “But it would be nice of him if he had given me the least respect.”

She wanted no pity, no fake words or promises made out of sympathy. The bright side was that at least she got the truth instead of being fooled by a nice convenient lie, which would probably happen if she had shared her suspicious with him since the beginning. If it was true he did not love her anymore, then it was better that way.

But, still, was it worth living? That was the question that had been consuming her. Before, she had all she could ever wish for: she went to college, had a good job, a good family and friends, and a loving boyfriend who had proposed to her… It was all gone now. She asked for a break from college and if she would not return in a certain time, she would risk losing the place. Her parents had been depressed, and fighting for no apparent reason other than frustration and impotence. And Ferdinand…

Catalina looked around, thoughtfully. Her room was the usual chaotic order; she had tried her best to remove everything that reminded her of Ferdinand off the shelves, board, desk, wardrobe, bedside table, doors… She filled a drawer with his pictures, gifts and letters, but still, it did not seem enough. Suddenly, Catalina realized she had started staring at her reflection at the big mirror on the opposite wall. She observed that girl of not yet twenty, and noticed how old she looked. Her hair had been put up on a bun, exposing her face, and it was not a pleasant sight; her eyes looks shallow and deep, opaque and emotionless. The line of her neck to the shoulder seemed even more delicate. Her skin was paler than ever, now with a grayish shade that did not suit her at all. Her lips once rosy and full were now pale, dry and thinner. Where were all the plans, the dreams and the lusty gloom that had always been part of her? Where was the smile that had never left her face?

“Not like this.”, she thought, horrified. On an impulse, she signed the paper; if she had to die, it would not be without fighting. With or without Ferdinand.