You know when you lose someone, but you never knew that person.
In person, but from a screen. You smiled when it smiled, you laughed when it laughed, and cried when it cried. But now I don't really cry when he's crying, and yes because he left...
Having the feeling of knowing he won't come back, or the fact that he just left and we aren't going to see that smile of his never again, his angelic voice and that laugh that could make anyone happy...
It aches in my heart to know that I never had the chance to tell him how valuable he was, how he was perfect and that he didn't need to do this! That maybe we could be changed the system, made it better, for you and for everyone out there!
But you didn't say nothing...
You kept eating your insides alone, waiting for one day to just give up, fuck it all, right?
I know it hurts, and that you thought that leaving wasn't going to change nothing, but it did.
Consequences, that's what actions make. And you act made loads of those, good and bad.
Ever thought that maybe all the tears people shed now could make a whole ocean for you to drown in? Amazing, huh?
It hurts so badly that I can't breath, it hurts so much that I think of going away to meet you too, it hurts that sometimes I want to give up like you did, go away and never come back. But I know you wouldn't want me to do that, because what you did, you would never want anyone to feel the same...
Even though there are loads of people who feels this way, and maybe it was your fault...or not...
People feel differently, just like you did, they react a different way.
If someone ever came to me and said:
- Wow, you are so pretty!
I wouldn't believe that person because I think as myself as fat, ugly, stupid and dumb. I know that's not what I am, but that's how I feel.
And I never came all my way to change that, all those things I say about myself, I didn't look for help, but I was screaming for help too...
You were too, right? And we were so ignorant for not noticing, for not putting ourselves in yous place.
It's my fault, that I didn't support you enough, that I didn't say that you were amazing, good enough, because I know exactly how it feels...
Pressure of the society, waiting for the best, the perfect...We have different life's, but we have some things in common.
I don't want to leave, because I made a promise to my friend, that I was going to see her get married, have kids, and that I would be there for her, until the day she didn't want me anymore...I just gave to accomplish that, so I can leave...
I cry, thinking on giving up, but I promised, and that is something that I'm going to keep, because that is one of the precious things I keep in mind, realistic ones, for me to actually live this hell.
Jonghyun, why didn't you accomplish your promise? Remember that girl in the coffee shop? You said to her that you would meet her 10 years later on the radio, you said that. In one of your songs you said you would be there for us, but you lied...
And I hate people who lie, but I didn't feel hate for you, I felt sadness, disappointment, sorrow, empty...
It's selfish to have said for you to stay, but as if I have never been selfish in life, and neither you. But only that time, maybe we could've done something, you only needed patience and be more open, like I would like to be, how I wish I could be and hope to be...
My gut holds me from saying what I truly want of fear of being judged of as crazy, stupid, childish and having no reason or so to feel this way.
Was it like this you felt? I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for all this, for feeling this way, I wish I was well so I could scold you, so I could help you, but a blind helping a deaf doesn't make much, huh?
I'm sorry Jonghyun, for being such a dissapoiting fan, a stupid kid, and a brat of a daughter...
I'm sorry for you to have lived all that Hell to have to choose suicide as you way out, I'm sorry that you had to deal for it for years and no one noticed, I'm sorry that you had thought about tho before and cried about it, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, really...
Sorry Jonghyun...
