Poems of Anxiety and events from my life

Cont.

My skin

My eyes fill with liquid of self hate

A troll, ugly and fat stares back in the silver, in a disheveled state

The sewing pins and sisscors scream at me to cut my skin

But that isn't what wins

Instead I beat and batter my pudge until it's black and blue

My mind blank except for the dark whispers of

"I hate you"

Screaming shuttering cries , I slide onto the floor

My body now only wants more.

Days pass as I poke at the scars to remind me of my sins

My family no idea of what's on my skin

Control

Closing my eyes I stare at the back of my eyelids watching my past dreams

I am a hero who stands above the debris

I am a beaming bride wearing a long train of white lace

I am flying through the air staring at the shining sun

I am wrapped in the arms of  my true love

In my dreams I float in triumph and I run my hands down my perfect body, finally loving what I see in the mirror

The air wiping through my hair I float away again and again to the realm where I can control my happiness

But when ever the night turns sour i am drenched in cold sweat

I am hiding in the closet as my family is murdered

I am crying in the corner as my friends tear away my mask

I am failing to fly away as black claws reach out for my throat

I am laying on cold asphalt as rain sprinkles on my face

Losing control

That's all I can do when the blood trickles

Reaching

Falling farther farther into the rabbit hole of my life I reach out for a hand but none come

Drowning in school work and tasks that carve into my tear soaked flesh as others swim to the light

Watching as my dreams of any control in my life slip past me in a flash

Doing the things I do only out of the fear that if I fail no one will want me

Reaching further and further into the void I feel myself falling

Silent tears in the dark car and lonely looks across the dinner table scream as my mouth stays sewn shut

I yearn for warm arms around me and whispers of reassurance 

but those require words of acceptance of my mind that sits broken and kicked by the allusion of control