bittersweet [yoonmin]

36.

I turn off my car about a three blocks away from, Yoonji's house. I'm paranoid Namjoon will hear me.

We aren't in good conditions ever since the fight. I don't blame him. If I were in his shoes I wouldn't want someone like me close to my sister.

It takes me longer than it should to arrive to her house. It's probably three in the morning right now and I wouldn't knock on the door anyways.

So I try my best to figure out which room is, Yoonji's. Everything seems to still be spinning. To be quite honest, I don't even know how I got here.

I'm so drunk.

I walk towards a window on the left side. If I'm correct her room should be this one. At least that's what I'm hoping after knocking on the window.

Seconds later a light turns on and my heart starts beating like crazy. Well this is it. This could go either good or bad.

Someone pulls the curtain and peeks through. It's Yoonji. I'm waiting for her to open up the window, but all she does is look at me.

I knock on the window once again. She slowly reaches to open it. "Hi." I whisper.

"What are you doing here?" She mumbles. Her eyes are still puffy from crying. "I — can we speak?"

"Again?"

"Yes."

Yoonji steps back from the window and let's me in. Her room is very warm and smells so incredibly delicious, just like I remember it.

"So what do you need to talk to me about?" She whispers.

She's wearing an oversized t-shirt with long knee socks. "I . . . Jennie and I are done." I mumble.

"Oh." She says sitting on the bed. I sit beside her staring deeply into her eyes. Her lamp light is shining on her beautiful bare face.

"Tonight Jennie and I tried to have sex."

Yoonji's eyes widen. "Oh." She repeats a clear hurt expression on her face.

"But we didn't because I couldn't. I couldn't because I like you so much, Yoonji. I couldn't get you out of my head."

"If you like me so much why don't you come back to me?"

"It's complicated. It so weird to me to be with you after knowing the truth."

"You don't even know the truth. You never let me explain."

"Explain to me then."

"I . . . I was born in the wrong body. I know it sounds stupid, but it's the truth. I'm intersex."

"What?"

"When I was born I looked like a male. So everyone assumed I was a boy because of my private parts. As a young kid I enjoyed playing with barbies and everything girls liked. I remember my dad would always get so mad at me because I wasn't like, Namjoon. I always felt different. I felt like I was trapped in my own body and that's too much to handle for a seven year old. So I tried to be more manly and do things Namjoon did. Then my parents passed away in an accident. Namjoon and I went to live with my grandma and—"

"Wait. So are you like . . . transgender?"

"No that's not what it means, Jimin."

"I'm so confused." I mumble feeling my head spinning. I'm not in the best conditions to even listen to this, but I'm so intrigued. I must know the truth.

"When I was about ten I started feeling my breasts ache. They were really tender and really sore. I couldn't understand why until I started developing them. I went to the doctor and they did studies. I'm basically a female with a mans genitals. Which makes sense to me because I've always felt like I was trapped in the wrong body. It's a rare condition that can affects babies that are born, but it happens. So I didn't lie to you because I am a girl. A different girl, but I am one."

I remain silent trying to process everything that she just told me. Could she be lying? Impossible, she sounded sincere. Who would lie about that?

"So you're . . ."

"A girl."

"But you have . . ."

"A penis." She mumbles embarrassed.

"Well yeah. So then technically you're not."

"I am, Jimin. I know I have some imperfections, but I'm working on it. My grandma and my brother support me. If I have a surgery I can fix everything. I can also take hormones to grow my breasts bigger. I mean they're there, but I want to look more feminine."

"It's just . . . I don't know. I need to process this."

"You're drunk. You probably won't even remember this in the morning. I just needed to tell you this because I don't know if you'll give me another chance to. This is really hard for me, Jimin. These past few weeks have been tormenting me so much. Do you know how it feels to feel disgusted about your own body? I reject myself everyday and to have you treat me that way has been really painful to me. I'm sorry for the disappointment."

"Yoonji, you shouldn't apologize. I'm the one who's sorry for being so close minded."

"Did you really just talked to me for a bet?"

"At first I did, but with time I fell for you. How could I not? You're everything I've been looking for."

"Except I'm not a full body female." She whispers.

I groan feeling my headache get worse. "I don't know what to do. Do you understand? I'm confused because I like you. Does that make me gay? Does it make me gay because I want to kiss you and feel your body?"

She shrugs unable to answer my questions. I can't answer them myself. So instead of speaking I lay my head on her chest closing my eyes to stop my throbbing headache.

At first she becomes tense, but then she slowly reaches to wrap her thin arms around me. "Yoonji, I'm confused." I mumble feeling my eyes get heavy.

"I know." She replies.

"I don't know how to feel. I'm just so confused. I'm so sorry, I'm confused."

"It's okay, Jimin. You need some sleep. Why don't you lay down?"

"No I want to stay like this. I've missed you. You have no idea how much. I've stayed awake several nights wishing it were all a nightmare. It felt like I was in a dream state and I couldn't wake up." My words have started to slur due to the alcohol in my veins.

"Shh, it's okay. Just sleep for a bit. It'll help you feel better tomorrow." She coos.

"Yoonji, I . . ." Before I can finish my sentence I drift to a quiet peaceful place of pure euphoria.

I've never felt so calm, so happy, and so alive just lying here in her arms.