bittersweet [yoonmin]

53.

"Jimin." Yoonji whispers nudging me.

"Hmm?" I ask opening one eye. The sudden realization that I'm in her bedroom and in her bed hits me.

"Did I sleep here?" I quickly ask standing up.

"You did." She mumbles. I notice that I'm still wearing my clothes from last night  and so is she.

"Shit. My parents must be panicking." I pull out my phone only to see that it's dead.

"You can borrow mine." Yoonji offers.

"Thanks. I'm gonna call them okay?"

"Okay I'll be in the bathroom."

Yoonji walks away with a towel in her hands while I dial the number. "Hello? Mom? I'm—I'm okay. Yeah, I know I should've— I'm going to school don't worry . . . It's complicated it's because . . . Okay mom can I explain everything first? You called my friends? What? At three in the morning? Mom! That's so embarrassing you shouldn't have . . . Okay I'm sorry ma'am I didn't mean to raise my voice it's just . . . I'm with Yoonji. Yes, Yoonji the girl you've met before. No mom! Of course we didn't . . . Okay yes I did sleep with her, but not like that! Mom! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Yes, ma'am. Alright I will."

After hanging up I sigh loudly laying back on her bed. I accidentally touch my cheek and wince. It's definitely bruised.

Minutes later Yoonji walks out with a towel wrapped around her. I sit up quickly and look at her dripping wet hair.

Then at her face. Her cheek is bruised and her bottom lip is busted. My eyes then travel down to her chest.

"I'm sorry I forgot my clothes." She mumbles quietly standing completely still.

I get up from the bed and head towards her. She freezes and I slowly peck her lips. "You're so beautiful."

"Not without the towel on." She whispers embarrassed.

I cut her off by planting another kiss on her lips. The blood rushes to her pale cheeks.

"Yoonji, do I make you happy?"

"Of course."

"No, I mean it for real. Do I make you happy? Are you content with the way I treat you?"

"Yes, you treat me exceptionally."

"Have I hurt your feelings since we started talking again?"

This time she remains quiet. She blinks several times struggling to find the words.

"I'm so sorry I don't mean to. I really don't."

"It's fine I understand completely. I know you don't mean to."

"Stop trying to make up excuses for me. I know I fuck up. I'm sorry."

"Jimin, it's fine." She insists walking away from me. She starts digging through her drawer. "Why do you always do that?"

"What?"

"Why do you always make up excuses for people hurting you? There's no excuse for that. No one should hurt you they way they do. The worst thing is that you justify everything and always blame it on yourself. It's not your fault. I don't like it when you do that. Please, stop putting all the blame on yourself."

Yoonji throws a shirt she's holding on her bed her face bright red. Something tells me it's not from being embarrassed.

"What do you want me to do, Jimin?" She screams.

I'm left in both shock and utter confusion. It's the first time I've seen her so angry.

"Do you want me to pretend nothing is wrong with me? Because I can't do that! I'm a fucking mess and you and everyone around me thinks it's so easy to deal with this. It's not simple! What if you were in my shoes? How would you deal with it? How am I suppose to pretend everything is okay when it isn't? I'm always under stress and I'm constantly worrying about everything. Will this dress look good? Can I wear tight clothing? Will they notice? Can anyone tell? Do they find me pretty? I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing something I'm not happy with. And you don't get it, Namjoon doesn't get it, and my grandma doesn't get it. I'm fucking exhausted of trying to be so perfect and I don't know what else to do. I don't know how not to blame myself when everyone else does."

She clenches the towel closer to her body. She's shaking and breathing heavily. My mouth parts into a small 'o' shape.

For seconds all that fills the room is silence. I finally gulp and clear my throat. "I'm sorry. You're completely right. I have no idea what you're going through." I whisper ashamed that I hadn't even thought of her feelings.

How selfish am I?

She looks down at her feet trembling. Her wet bangs are stuck to her forehead. I move closer to her and out of instinct pull her hair away from her face.

I pull her in for a hug and let her head rest on my chest. She remains quiet while I slowly rub her back.

"No one understands how stressful it is for me to explain whats going through my head because I don't even understand it myself. I don't expect no one to truly love me and accept me the way I am because I can't even do that. I don't know how to make these thoughts go away, Jimin. I really want it to stop."

"I know, I know, I know." I repeat clenching her closer to me.

"I —I don't know how to make you feel better. I'm such a bad boyfriend." I sigh angry at myself.

She pulls away from my grip and gives me a sad smile. "You're doing great."

I return the smile knowing I'm not doing great. "I — uh I better get ready. I'll ask Namjoon if he can let you borrow something for school."

"Alright. I'll umm go in the bathroom so you can change."

She nods her head and I go to the bathroom and lock it behind. Then I turn to look in the mirror. My cheek is purple. It's very noticeable and very big.

I then glance at my chest. My shirt is damped from Yoonji's wet hair. It feels cold and it sends shivers down my spine.

It doesn't feel nearly as cold as the way Yoonji's words made me feel.