bittersweet [yoonmin]

24.

I'm staring at Yoonji waiting for her to laugh or to tell me it's a joke. She looks so scared and terrified and this makes me feel scared myself.

"What?" I ask not controlling my laughter.

"Jimin, I'm a boy, but I'm also a girl." She whispers so softly I can barely hear her.

"Yoonji, that's very funny and all, but you don't have to make an excuse just because you're a virgin. I told you I will wait for you. No worries, baby." I assure her while caressing her cheek.

"I'm . . . I'm not lying. It's the truth."

I pull away from her confused. "Yoonji, it was was funny at first, but you're taking it to far. I told you it's okay. We don't have to do it now."

"But I'm not lying."

I roll my eyes getting up from the carpet. "Yeah okay."

I turn my back to her and hear her getting up behind me. She comes closer to me and I'm picking up papers from the table.

She comes in front of the table and I feel her watching me. I stop what I'm doing and stare at her.

She has a blank look in her eyes. "Jimin." She says quietly.

"What?"

"I'm a boy."

"Yoonji, you're— you can't even. That's not even possible. You have—you have boobs. I've seen your cleavage you have boobs. You can't—you—"

"I can explain everything, Jimin." She has tears in her eyes and I'm starting to feel really worried.

If she is joking this is too far. The whole idea is too stupid. How could she ever be a boy? I've seen her boobs. I've seen her she's a girl.

"That's enough, Yoonji. Stop playing around."

"But, I'm not playing around. That's the reason why Jackson said those things about me. That's why he was mean to me because I hid it from him too and when he found out he was furious. I want to tell you before we start something serious because I actually like you. I like you so much, Jimin."

"What are you even talking about? That's so ridiculous!" My voice is louder than usual. She flinches and I drop the papers on the table to approach her.

"What's all this about? What's this game you're playing?"

"I'm not playing anything, Jimin," she whispers as tears fall from her eyes. "I'm a girl mentally, well physically too . . . but I'm a—a boy too."

"You're not! You have breasts I've seen them through your bathing suit. A man doesn't have them!"

"It's really complicated. I can explain everything."

"You're not— you're not—" I furrow my eyebrows looking down at her body. She's wearing her usual style. I specifically stare around her waist. I don't see anything out of the ordinary.

"Why do you think I dress like this? Why do you think I was so paranoid to swim during school and to wear a bathing suit? Why do you think I'm so scared to even have you on top of me? I'm scared you're going to feel disgusted once you feel . . ."

"You're unbelievable. Very funny. Ha ha."

"I wish it was a joke." She sobs wiping her eyes.

"Stop it. Just stop it, okay? If you don't want to be with me anymore it's fine. Whatever. Just stop making up excuses."

"It's not an excuse," she steps up closer to me and reaches to caress my cheek. "Look at me, Jimin. Look me in the eyes and tell me if you think I'm lying."

"Stop. Yoonji, stop."

"I'm telling the truth. I know this is hard for you and I hope you give me a chance—"

I pull away abruptly. My head has started to hurt from so much bullshit. She's filling me up with lies and confusion.

"I think it's best if you leave. Let's just talk later when you stop playing this little game of yours. It's not funny anymore."

"Jimin."

"What?"

She looks at me and stays silently. "If you're a boy then prove it. Take off your dress right now. Do it."

Her face turns a bright pink. "I — I —"

"Do it! Prove to me that you're a man. Go ahead I dare you. Take off your dress. Come on what are you waiting for? Do it."

I grab her dress and try to pull it up. She shrieks pushing me away. "What are you doing?"

"You keep saying that you're a boy then prove it!" I scream grabbing her wrists.

"Stop it, Jimin. You're hurting me."

"Prove it then!"

She struggles to pull away and when I finally look down at her hands I see that my knuckles are white from my strong grip. I let go my breathing fastening.

"You're a liar." I say.

She reaches over to pull her dress down. I hold my breath as it falls down exposing her chest. Impossible for her to be a boy, impossible.
When her dress is to her waist she pulls it further down.

"Oh my God." I turn around gripping my hair harshly. "Cover up! Now!"

"Jimin. I'm really sorry! I wanted to tell you earlier I just couldn't. I couldn't find the words to say it. I'm so, so, sorry. I'm sorry, Jimin."

"Cover up and leave! Leave now!"

"Jimin—"

"I said leave!" I shout furiously facing her . . . him. I don't even know how to refer to . . . him. I kissed a man. I almost had sex with a man. A man!

I feel so nauseous, so disgusted, so ashamed. "Please let me explain!" Yoonji says as she pulls her dress up.

"Get out!"

"Please!" She grabs my arm and I push her off. So hard that she falls on the floor. "Leave. Now!"

"Ple—"

"Fucking shit. Leave right now or I swear I will—"

I ball my arm up like I'm going to hit her . . . him, but all I see is an innocent girl with tears in her eyes. As hard as I try to see a man I can't. She's a girl. I can't hit her. I can't.

"Leave. Never speak to me again. Go. Now!"

Yoonji gets up from the floor quickly and rushes to my door. I sit on a chair taking deep breaths.

My body is trembling so hard. The sick feeling in my stomach has started to come up my throat. I run to the closest bathroom and barely make it to the toilet vomiting my insides out.

When I've vomit everything in my system I lean back flushing the toilet and wiping my mouth.

How did I fall in love with a boy?