Asleep or Dead

Chapter 3

- Clare's POV -

Stretched across our small couch, I waited for Helena. I had already taken care of her sodden clothes and put them in the wash. 

It surprised me how she actually managed to get home.

I should have done something instead of waiting for her to return home, like the hopeless introvert I am. 

Helena had to walk through a freaking storm late at night whilst I drank hot chocolate. 

I'm a fucking twat.

All I ever do is ask people to do things for me, but I never do anything for them. I'm just a selfish jerk who doesn't deserve the Iero's.

We were the ones who crashed into them that night. We were the ones who damaged their family beyond repair. 

And yet, they were the ones who apologised for my parent's death. They were the ones who took in the child that was at fault for the crash.

It has been ten years since the incident. Ten years of trying to explain that they weren't to blame. Ten years of me locking myself in my room and repeatedly telling myself that it was my fault, even though I knew it clearly wasn't.

No wonder the kids at school think I'm a murderous psychopath. Because that was exactly what I have been telling myself all my life.

I'm crazy.

I was a psycho and I was crazy.

I'm not sick.

I'm twisted.

Sick makes it sound like there's a cure.

It was all my fault.

And the Iero's know it.

Frank knows it.

Helena knows it.

I know it.

"Clare?" 

I looked up and met Helena's gaze. She was all dressed and had tried, and failed, to dry her hair.

I gave her a confused look as to why she was staring at me like I grew a second head.

She just gestured to the position of my body before I realised.

I hadn't noticed that during the period of time that left me alone with my thoughts, I had curled up into a fetal position and was looking like the town hobo.

"Don't lie to me. What's wrong?"

Honestly, I think Helena used to peep into my room and see me having an existential crisis.

That's kind of disturbing, come to think of it.

"Why did you take me in?" I blurted out. It wasn't really a great time to talk about something like this at this time of night, but it has been bugging me for ten whole years and I needed an answer. 

I'm surprised I haven't asked this question before.

Helena had a sympathetic glimmer in her eye that I saw as she took a seat next to me in our dim living room.

I was scared. Did I really want to know the answer? Maybe they felt sorry for me and just took me in for the sake of it. What if they didn't really want me?

Okay, I've got to calm down. I'm already overthinking it and the older girl hasn't even started speaking yet. 

"Is this what you've been worrying about for the past few days?" Helena asked, a tinge of shock in her voice. 

Well, more like ten years, but that'll do.

I shrugged. 

I felt Helena's arm wrap around my shoulders and pulling me closer to her. She rubbed my arm in a comforting manner. 

"Why wouldn't we?" 

My face remained expressionless as she let out a warm chuckle.

"Clare. When we heard the news that your parents were dead and that you were the only survivor left, we couldn't just leave you in some foster home. You had so much already going on in your life. Having to deal with trauma by yourself in a household that didn't care was just brutal."

"But I still don't get it." I glanced at Helena. 

"You were just a kid. It was our fault you lost your family, so we took you in as our own." her smile went as quickly as it came. I also heard her say something else, in a small whisper. "Mom knew how it felt to be left alone."

I suddenly felt really guilty.  I didn't mean to put so much pressure on Helena. The Iero's were pretty secretive and didn't talk much about life before they adopted me. Was this the reason? Maybe I was never supposed to know.

I mentally slapped myself in the face for being such a douchebag.

Was I really this stupid for not figuring this out for the ten years I've lived with them?

"Anyway," Helena's voice interrupted my thoughts, "it's time to get some sleep."

I nodded tiredly. I heard the clicking of light switches being switched off on my way to my bedroom. Helena put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

She had the look of: 'everything's going to be okay'.

I smiled weakly. 

Helena let out a quiet laugh and shut her door.

Quietly, I closed the door and started to tidy my desk because I have nothing better to do.

I picked up random sheets of paper and threw them in my waste bin along with candy wrappers and multiple plastic water bottles.

I shoved my homework into my bag along with my pencil case and portable charger. Everyone carries a portable charger around, right?

I haven't seen anyone at school without a portable charger and headphones. Those seem to be more important than school supplies.

Our generation is messed up.

One time, I remember walking to school with Helena and noticing that I had forgotten my headphones.

I had an actual panic attack before school started because I couldn't listen to music. To make it even worse, we were late.

So that's the story of how I literally couldn't function properly due to the fact that I was having a breakdown every five minutes.

I had to be sent home, which was really quite embarrassing.

I grabbed my laptop, turned off my light and jumped into bed. The pixels from my computer shone brightly, giving me plenty light. 

I know I should be going to sleep, but be honest. Who actually gets an nine hour sleep every night?

Definitely not me.

- - -

A/N:

Aaaand that's Chapter 3 done already.

The story doesn't seem that interesting right now, but Chapter 4 is when the drama happens.

Whatever.

Thanks for reading!

Byyyye :)

- Melodic Flame <3