The Pointless Pursuits of a Particularly Preposterous Person III

PART ONE

And so we come to the conclusion of the pointless pursuits.

In a faraway land atop a dead, decomposing giant Blue Whale, there sat a little pink cottage. In this cottage there lived a strange, demented creature by name of Argyllmylsvouth. People who are keen readers with impeccable taste will have of course read the previous parts to this tragically terrible tale, so will know how strange and how much of a bizarre, genderless creature Argyllmylsvouth really is. We’ll refer to it as male, just to lessen complications. He had greasy, greyish-green skin, a morbid protruding belly and long, spindly fingers attached to the bottom of his long, spindly arms. To make things even more bizarre, he had three toes on each foot, one eye like a wonky Cyclops and rotten yellow teeth, which were pointed like filthy daggers.

            Before many senseless and surreal circumstances, Argyllmylsvouth had a terrible addiction to cocaine. For those of you who are unfamiliar with cocaine, it has a rather annoying habit of being expensive and quite a lot of people, like Argyllmylsvouth (if you’d call him a person), find it difficult to pay for it all once they are hooked like a fish on a line, or a small boy on a line who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. In the case of Argyllmylsvouth, this led to him becoming skint and he took desperate measures to try and secure the funding for his drug addiction. Now for a normal human being, taking desperate measures might be visiting an irritating older relative and groveling for money or taking a visit to a loan shark, but for Argyllmylsvouth desperate measures meant murdering his rich account cousin, Kevin the Bear.

            Unfortunately for Argyllmylsvouth, his cousin Kevin was rather cunning and managed to outwit and survive Argyllmylsvouth’s attacks. Unfortunately for Kevin, Argyllmylsvouth got into another spot of bother with some maddening hallucinations after taking marijuana and decided to take desperate measures again. This time, Argyllmylsvouth left the victor, free of hallucinations, and Kevin was left with a fatal shotgun wound in his chest and one of his favorite expensive Italian suits in tatters. Then something mysterious and a little bit ridiculous happened- Kevin’s lifeless form was resurrected by fragments of Argyllmylsvouth’s hallucination. Shocked and amazed by this miraculous spot of luck, Kevin walked away from the scene completely unscathed, but little did he know that there would be some horrifying consequences to this act…

 Kevin the Bear was alive. Usually, this wasn’t much of a big thing for him, but seeing as he had just been killed this was a little odd. As far as he knew, once you were dead then you stayed dead. That said he did have a magician friend who had once violently killed himself with a brick onstage but had still managed to go to the pub with him afterwards for a quick pint.

            Seeing as it was protocol for surviving a near-death experience, Kevin quickly inspected his chest for any sign of a wound and there was nothing.

“Seems legit.” he said, picking himself up out of the wreckage of what was once a seating booth in the pub The Duke’s Kidney. It was a nice pub, and for a moment Kevin debated on whether it would be socially acceptable to grab a drink before he left, but then he glanced at the broken booth again and decided it wasn’t.

            Stepping outside, Kevin breathed in the cool air deeply until his lungs were fuller than tar in the lungs of a chain smoker. Never had he actually taken a moment to actually marvel at the world he lived in, and now he could see that it was beautiful. He skipped back to his office that day and was whistling merrily all the way up to the top floor of the stupendously tall Kev N’ Co. Accountancy building in the city center. As an accountant, it was not in his nature to be happy; in fact, he was chronically depressed and a little suicidal. That aside, he was happy to be alive. 

            At that moment, the phone on his desk rang, bursting his bubble and bringing him straight back to the present so fast that his head shot forwards and smashed into the desk. After swearing loudly, he picked up the receiver.