A Dream

-The Last-

           
The last

Things were different when she told she was pregnant this time. Yes, I was extremely happy. It was my dream to finally have a family after all. And from her expression and the way she told me I could see she was happy too. But there was some tightness in the air. We were both anxious, worried and slightly scared. Because The last pregnancy did not go well and we couldn't recover from it until it was too late. We were worried that it might happen all over again. going Through the same thing twice will only make it worse. But we went through with it anyway. We decided that it was a risk we were willing to take and promised that it will not be a reason for us to be separated again by fate.

I found myself growing more fond of Jwan and the little creature growing inside. The one that could make us extremely happy or break our hearts in a way that it would never be the same again. It was now all in this tiny creature's hands. One that hasn't seen the real world yet. But I was growing more and more worried every day. My thoughts always seemed to be somewhere else. Playing different scenarios in my head. The happy ones and ones that ended in tragedy. And they never seemed to end. There was always something new to explore and a new path to walk. As if our lives were like a spider web. Each line a different path. A different life. And I was walking those paths one by one. And all that just in my head.

But somehow, all this was forgotten like a breeze wafting through the night when she was born. When I held her and her tiny hand clung to my finger. Holding it tight and never letting go. It all made sense then, all the complications, misfortunes and the struggles. They ultimately led to this point, to this moment, one I would appreciate and remember vividly. One that made me realize it was all worth it. That I'd do it all over again if I had to just to reach this day. Holding this little girl in my arms and thinking that all I have and all I'll ever have belonged to her. That I'll live, thrive and prosper to provide the best environment for her.

We named her after my mother, Leylan. I was there when she first opened her eyes and those big blue eyes bore into mine. I was there when she said her first word. A long "da", referring to her mom. I was there when she first walked. Making her way in small and careful steps. Each one carefully laid after the other. her hands spread away from her body to keep her balance. But she was growing up fast, faster than we could keep up. It was fascinating how fast she was learning to understand and talk. so lovely it was how she barely said a word right but always delivered the message. But her curiosity was probably the most interesting thing about her.to her, There was always something new to learn in every corner. She opened doors, drawers, and boxes. She tried different buttons on the remote controllers. And when she learned to read, which was a little before she went to school. She picked up stickers and papers to read their content. The world was filled with new things to learn and she had made it her task to learn them all.

But something always felt odd and misplaced. Misplaced like when my dad who was left-handed, shook hands with his right. Something I couldn't quite describe or understand for a long time. But it started with a hunch, a feeling and developed into doubt.

During this prolonged self-conflict, I sold my apartment and bought a house that Jwan picked in the finest neighborhood in the city. I was finally doing it. My dream of having a family of my own was finally happening. I had a beautiful wife whom I loved, a daughter that was in so many ways special and a big house. But that strange feeling was always hanging over me like a cloud. Like I was breaking a universal law. That every person is allowed a  very limited number of good things and I was way beyond my line. In other words, I was happy, and it felt wrong and Too good to be real.

Until one day, I looked into Leylan's eyes and couldn't see myself. nothing that resembled me. Instead what I saw was an entirely different person staring back at me. and suddenly, the cloud over my head took the shape of a giant dark question mark. A question that I didn't dare ask myself nor anyone else.