A Dream

-Third-

Third

By the time Jwan was seven months pregnant my mom was suffering from high blood pressure. The hardship of her life finally reflecting on her health. I did most of the housework when I could. I cleaned, washed the dishes, did the laundry and even cooked a few times. applying the salt carefully because of my mom. Finding the line between tasteless and salty. But they hated my cooking, my lack of experience always reflected on the food I cooked. so I decided to leave that to Jwan. By then we were completely ready for the baby. We freed a small space in our bedroom and placed a cradle and some toys in it. We bought it clothes, tiny t-shirts, and tiny pants. Sometimes I'd just look at them, smiling, admiring the creature that could fit into them. We bought it a stroller too, dreaming about all the places we will take it in it.

I was the first to know he was a boy. Jwan decided not to know until he was born so I was the only one who knew. But that didn't last long. She kept looking for clues and hints from me. As if her mind was not sure whether to dream about carrying and nursing a boy around or a girl. Until she admitted her defeat one day and asked me. I didn't tell her right away. I arranged a little ceremony in our yard for her. We didn't invite anyone so it was just the three of us. Me, her and my mom. We sat around the dining table we brought outside. She kept looking for hints, knowing blue meant it was a boy and pink meant it was a girl. She cut the cake, opened the presents I bought for the baby but couldn't find any. so I finally grabbed the balloon I filled with blue confetti and helium and asked her to hold it for me.she held the red balloon, still looking for hints and when she wasn't looking, I grabbed a knife and popped the balloon and out came blue confetti, raining down on her. She looked at me with wide eyes, taking in what just happened. And when she did, her face slowly lit up. From a frown to a big and wide smile. Then she was laughing, happy to finally know, to being a step closer to finally having a baby. Then she hugged me, the three of us in a warm embrace. I loved it when she hugged me. Her slender arms around me, her smell and the warmth of embracing her. As if between her arms, was a tiny heaven where no one ever felt alone.

She looked into my eyes then. Serious, but smiling "I know what we should name him. Diyary, A gift, he is a gift" she said hastily, the words escaping her. I nodded and we both looked at my mom who was now watching us with both hands on her heart. She understood the silent question we asked her and nodded "it's a beautiful name". and thus my son became a little more real, A dream with a name. a person. I mumbled the name a few times "Diyari, Diyari" getting used to the sound of it. The way my mouth moved when I said it. The way everything seemed so exciting.

The hospital was quiet as I sat outside of the delivery room waiting. I was ready for this day. I made sure I was, by practicing and finding the best route to the hospital. So when the time came, I didn't panic at all. I helped her into the car and drove not slowly, but carefully to the hospital. I did not like the idea of zig-zagging through the traffic and risking everything. Her parents arrived shortly after, looking worried and excited at the same time. I would be excited too, they were going to become grandparents.

After what seemed like ages. the Doctor came out of the delivery room. Slowly walking away. looking exhausted. When we saw her we hurried towards her. eager for the good news and as we got closer I noticed tiny smears of blood on her scrubs and I told myself that this was normal. She let out a sigh when she saw us. I opened my mouth to ask but she intervened "I'm sorry" she said in a voice that was almost a whisper. I kept thinking that this is not how she should start. she should start with something like a "congratulations" but something was wrong " what is wrong?... what happened?...what did you do?" I started asking a wave of questions. My head spinning. my mind drifting out of my body. slipping into that room behind her and coming back.

"I'm so sorry" she started again "your son didn't survive the delivery. Your wife is fine and resting but your son....." she noticed the tension growing into me the shifting of my face. the clenching of my fists