The Truth

Chapter 3

This chapter represents the horrible tragedy of Junior Year. 

Junior year... I still hated him.

I had a class with him and I still hated him.  Language Arts 3 and I sat in the perfect spot to see his face.  Everyday, he smiled and laughed.  He made me feel like garbage. 

Then one night, I was driving home for work and saw an accident on of the back roads I take to get home. I didn't think anything of it.  Then, I heard the news. "Derek was in a car crash, he's in a coma."  

Stop.  Now this is the point where you might be saying, no way this is real.  It is real. I was confused and absolutely heartbroken. I wanted to see him, I wanted to talk to him... I wanted to apologize.  

Here is where I say that his family, his friends, and him all deserve the best lives and I never want anyone to believe that I made this situation about myself. The only thing I could think about was him, if he was okay. If he was going to heal, what his memory would be like, if his mom was going to be okay. His health, his family was the only I could think about for weeks. He deserves to be happy and live his dreams. He deserves everything but he didn't get everything. He got a friend who crashed a car and unknown brain damage. I will always put him before my own feelings. ALWAYS. 

This is the point where I tell you that I felt things I have never felt before.  It took me three weeks to drive on that road again.  The news wasn't just heartbreaking, it was the push that got me back into therapy.  I went every week and got absolutely nowhere.  I wanted to see him, I never did. I wanted to talk to him, I never have.  

I spent months just lost in the fact that he wasn't going to be going to be in senior year with us.  I spent forever just needing someone to tell me that what I was feeling was okay.  I spent four months needing the truth.  I never got it.  I was lied to my mother and my friend about his health.  I was betrayed yet again.  

My life had turned upside down and all I could think about was him.  I needed to see him... I need to see him.  Now it's senior year, he's not here.  I wasn't expecting him to be but I needed him to be.  I needed his smile that could light up a room, his laugh that echoed in the halls, and his personality that made everyone love him.  

About a month did I start to realize something, something I never knew existed.  

I loved Derek Kingsley.

I used the excuse of hatred to pay attention to him, to talk about him, and have him still notice me.  In the end, I blamed him for everything.  When I finally forgave myself and forgave him, I realized I wanted his forgiveness.  I wanted to be able to tell him how I screwed up and how none of this was his fault.

You may be saying but technically he did start that rumor.  He didn't.  About a year before the accident, I found who did it.  New Years Eve, my best friend invited her over and I told my best friend that I liked Derek.  She was there, she heard me.  Then that same friend who told me about the rumors came up to me and told me that Derek never said anything, she did.  

I should've known, she loves drama more than anything.  I lied to myself, I didn't want to believe that the person I spent years hating was actually the person who never told a soul.  The person I was friends with, spread the rumor.  

This also made me realize for the first time, that I loved him.  Why?  Because still in knowing all of this, I still proceeded to act like he was to blame.  I needed to still think about him, to love him without ever really knowing that I was. 

My first love was not reciprocated and it was filled with heartbreaking losses.  Realizing you love someone, isn't just a feeling, it's like knowing it forever but never saying it out loud.  To be honest, I miss him and I miss hating everything about him.  Hating everything was the only way I could focus on everything. 

Now I am talking to you, a reader, someone who heard my story in the short but most detailed version I could make.  If you were in my position, how would you react to all of this?  I want to tell you that if you know anyone in your life that you blame for a lot of things, things they never actually did.  Forgive yourself and forgive them because living in a world of hatred, real or not, messes with you.

You might be finishing this thinking to yourself, "She never loved him."  You can think that, I thought that for years.  However, if you have ever loved anyone before then you know that you know when you do.  So trust me, I know what I feel.  For the first time in forever, I am able to identify a feeling, because this feeling is so intense it has to be love. 

Flash forward to now, where I am sitting on my laptop, listening to music and Spotify ads and wondering why I am writing a three chapter book.  It's because I needed to write everything down.  It's because I am finally moving on with my life and I need to write about the one person who made me focus on myself.  

Now you might ask: "What if you see him again?"  

I might say this:

"I loved this man, and I needed this man so much that I hated him just to be able to give myself an excuse to look at him. If I were to see him again, I would say that I'm sorry.  I would say, you probably don't care about me, but you played the biggest part of my entire high school life.  I would say thank you.  I would say, I want the best for you and I want to know you for the rest of my life.  I would say I loved you and I still do.  I would say, you're the only person I can talk about and know what I am going to say."

So in the end, did I really love Derek Kingsley?

Yes, forever and always.