The Truth

Chapter 2

This chapter is the renditions of my life from December to January.  

Things had been normal besides my everlasting crush on Derek.  Until one night, where my whole life changed.  I don't remember how I was told but I was, my grandpa was in the Emergency Room.  I wasn't just hurt by this, I was destroyed.  I couldn't figure out to breathe.  I was hurt and borderline insane from my thoughts.  

I will always be able to point out the couch in the waiting room in which I cried on for hours.  I will always be able to regret not going into his ER room and saying hello before I never talked to him again.  I will always the days that went by in the ICU where he was held. The first time I walked into that new room, I was left gasping for air that I couldn't take  in because I was shocked and heartbroken in every which way.  I will always remember holding his hand and crying onto it for minutes that felt like hours, days.  

He died on December 5th, and if I have to be honest, I was lost.  I have never experienced a loss so close to home.  I felt like I was in a pile of quicksand that I didn't know how to get out of.  

Then, I was able to go on Christmas break and go an hour away from home to watch my aunt's dogs for a week. This is what happened. I got wasted every night, sat on her living room floor and did the most regretful thing I have ever done. I texted Derek and then I messaged another guy I knew, Warren.    

Derek's message included a paragraph that included things like, "I just want to be friends again," and, "I'm sorry, I promise it won't happen again."  Warren's included one word, "hiii."  Guess who responded... Warren.  The conversation escalated to a point where I was being asked for nudes.  I said no, he seemed cool with that response.  We remained friends.  That was the end of both of those conversations. 

Now let's go back into January, when school starts up again.  A friend I knew approached me and said, "Do you know what's been being said about you?"  Can you tell where this is going?  "I figured you'd want to know but apparently Derek has been telling people that you are in love with him."  Oh, but that's not it.  She then said this, "And Warren's been telling people that you sent him nudes and then asked him for some."

GASP.  How could this happen?  I thought I was Warren's friend and I thought Derek liked me.  This was my slap in my face.  My grandpa died and them the two guys in my life both started spreading rumors about me on the same day.  My life had officially been turned into a movie.  

I felt betrayed and walked out on.  I saw my whole family fall apart and then my school life was ruined too.  I felt so alone.  I had to know what happened, I messaged Warren and asked him why he did it.  I never got a clear answer.  He said, "My friend started telling people that."  I caught him in that lie and the nonsense was spilling out of his mouth and then he blamed me at one point. Eventually, he apologized to me and I was okay with that situation since he wasn't that important to me anyway.

Then, the truth came out.  Derek Kingsley did not, in any way, like me...  I saw him walking past me with his friends in the hallway after school and I had to say something.  I slammed my locker, turned around and said, "We need to talk you, Derek."  He laughed.  Then I started asking questions, needing the answers to them...  He kept walking away.  I kept screaming at him from down the hall.  Then, he turned around and laughed so loud that I felt ashamed.  I ran back to my locker and slammed my back into it, sunk to the floor, and cried my eyes out.  The first and only time I had ever cried in school.  

That was the truth and I hated it.  I spent years upon years hating this boy. The person who not only hurt me but decided it was funny to see me that way.  I needed closure and still 3 years later, I don't have it.  I spent my time, to despise him.  While everyone around me was happy and enjoying high school, I was crying and spending every second either hating Derek Kingsley or growing up.  

The only thing I haven't explained yet is my family.  My family turned into a "fen for yourself" once my grandpa died.  Everyone was hurt and nobody wanted to talk about it.  There is an unspoken rule in my family called "Don't talk about your feelings or you'll get judged."  If I come home and say anything good, it gets spun around I don't feel good about myself.  I end up feeling bad about myself.  I had to grow up on my own because I couldn't talk about anything I was feeling.  

I was 14.  I was 14 when I grew up.  I was 14 when I became an adult.  Growing up young sucks.  Don't do it.  I felt so alone in the world, I never knew how to tell between happy and mad.  I couldn't tell you what emotion I was feeling when I felt it.  I could tell you how to pay bills, fix computers and phones, multitask, and be good at your career.  I couldn't tell you what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way.  I was left thinking to myself, "How did I get here? How am I this alone in the world?"  

Every single undefined feeling I had was thrown onto Derek and I blamed him for all of it.  Three years went by and all I ever did was silently laugh and grimace every time he entered a room.  I wanted him to suffer for everything but instead all I ever saw was his wishes coming true and his life working out perfectly.  

The truth is: I needed to blame someone for all of my issues and he was the person I hated the most in that time. This is the chapter where you find out how a crush became a hatred.