all this writing, all this musing, can you handle it? i know i can't
i try to outrun fate but it's on my back, stepping where i stepped,
even though i might say i love you too much, i still hate those who surround you more,
they make me numb, i feel like i'm eating anaesthetic and going numb.
all this thinking, all this stargazing, i saw one with an inscription, the kind of thing my dad would say
maybe even something you'd share too, but i can't stop because everything is numb like lead and rubber,
fate places her hand on my arm and arrests me for a moment, child you worry too much, your brow is furrowed
your mouth is curled up in a sinister twist, you drawl all day about books and holidays, you stay quiet when they smile at you
child, you are lost in your own forest, your forest is barren, no leaves on the branches, stunted trees because you numbed it all.
all this numbness leaps inside me and seizes my heart, seizes my muscles. will you love me if i say sweet things and discard bitter truths?
will you believe that life is like a coin, some sides are grimy and grind you in blood that tastes like copper and death on your tongue
some sides are lovely, like sands between your toes, nail varnish shining blindingly and the smell of chocolate lust on your lips, the curvature of your hip like the earth when i mentally fly my jet into orbit,
your eyes like jupiter's moons and your breath like the east wind. won't you love me even though i'm immune to love and lust and beauty because my world is dark and i'm searching for my father's star?
all this musing is tiring...all this sadness is useless, why don't i lie down and let my mind wander and prohibit myself from feeling pain.
fate stopped me and i listened to her, so when you see me in shadow, pushing open the doors of my chamber, know that i have travelled and died twice over
but now i'm stronger and i'll never want you to feel this numbing nature that is foreign yet too natural for comfort.
