Marigold's Garden

Marigolds

Marigold .

As cliche as is it my Mom had an obsession with flowers. She loved flowers so much she named my sister's and I after them. I'm Marigold than there's Magnolia and Amabelle. Not sure why we couldn't get stuck with names like Lily, or Rose maybe even Poppy. But then again those are ordinary names. My mom wasn't an ordinary persons. Our wacky names came with a last name to match.
Garden.

Marigold Garden.

The irony right.

A name like that belongs to a happy girl. Who smiles at the sight of the sun and dances with the wind.

I'm not Marigold.

I'm Mari. Unhappy, angry, depressed Mari.

Who's only regret is not jumping off of a bridge.

   Last Summer I tried to die. There were many ways it could have been done. I could of took a bottle of pills or slit my wrist. Maybe even stole my Dads gun. But there was something peaceful about the water. I could still see her in it. I think she's stuck in it. That she can't get out, that the pull of the water keeps dragging her along with it not letting her rest. I want to save her, I wanna jump in and grab her, and when I realize I can't save her, I rather die with her.

" Do you have any urges to harm your self Mari?" The Shrink asked.

Holding her clipboard wanting to get one more evaluation before I was free to go home. I stared at her blankly her blonde hair brushed back neatly in a bun she wore thin framed reading glasses that I knew she didn't need. Guess she felt like it gave her that look of professionalism.I hate shrinks, yet there the easiest to lie to. Her blue eyes from behind the frame looked up at me with question eyes. Wondering if the time I was taking answer the question meant I was conflicted. But than again maybe she thinks I'm high on meds and just wasn't paying attention.

" Do you have any urges or tendency to intentionally harm yourself-"

Yes

" No, I don't Dr.Ramsey." I said giving her soft smile. A smile that Marigold would use. Crazy enough I use Marigold as mask sometimes. Reality has it I will never feel like Marigold again, but I can at least at like her. It was the only way out. Being surrounded by a bunch of depressed people is just depressing. She gave me a smile of approval and proudness looking at me as if I was one of her broken toys she had just fixed like I was her Barbie doll with missing limbs and she put the pisses back together. As she screwed my screwed up head back on.

  Shrinks live off pride and are egotistical. You make her feel like she's a hero, like she's saving your broken soul as if she broke down this wall and put Sunshine in your heart. And when she ask you how you feel. You lie, you make up some story that isn't yours. Say stuff about being angry at your Dad or shed crocodile tears giving a sappy backstory about being pushed on the play guard. She'll eat it from the palm of your hands. And at the end of the day we talk about every thing but my real problems.

Which is fine. Because I don't want to.

" I'm so proud of you Mari. You've improved so much in the last couple months. And I know your ready to live." Dr.Ramsey squeezed my hands tightly looking at me like a proud mother even had a few tears.

" Thank you so much. I couldn't have gotten better if it weren't for you. You've changed my life. You helped me see why I should live."

  Lies. I feed them to her. I knew how to cry on command. Easy enough tears rolled down my cheek. Just like they did serval times in her office. I knew hearing those words made her feel special. She'll probably mention to her co works or tell story's about the time she helped a young girl name Mari in one of her Motivational Speeches. I'll be that one patient that she will brag about to the other Shrinks or use as great story to tell to her other suicide patients about " Turing there life around ."

I truly hate this lady.

   She released my hands. I gave her one last look before grabbing my backpack and heading towards the door. I saw my family outside. Their was my Dad who tip toes around me as I'm a fragile China Doll and if he moves to fast or hard I'll fall and break. Than there's Magnolia the complete opposite. She rough no mercy, not pity. I know it's because she's angry at me for trying to take me own life, she said it was selfish. Last but not least was Amabelle 8 years old, with my Dad being soft, Mags being rough. Amabelle was sweet, the sweetest child you'll ever met. Who'd do anything she could do to make me happy.

I still remember the day I left.

" Marigold isn't I see her she's fine! She's fine. I can take care of her I can make her happy. Daddy please don't make Mari go!"

  The only person that could make me feel guilty.
Amabelle. She skipped on the side walk holding a pink box clenching it against her chest as if she was protecting the Queens jewels. Her red hair was nearly braided into 2. While she was cheerful and playful. My Dad looked worrisome and nervous panting around the car. Amabelle skipped up the stairs and at the moment our eyes meet. Her hazel eyes widen lightening up vividly. I wasn't ready.... not to go home not face them. But I didn't want to stay ether. I couldn't hide behind the glass door forever.

" Mari!" She exclaimed. My Dad eyes shot up at her words and Mags did the same. I waved at little Belle causing her to smile even more. I exhaled before stepping out of the door and back into society. Belle wrapped her hands arms around me with pure bliss.

" Hey Belle." I said finding the words to say. It's been months since I saw her. She still and the same smile and sparking eyes. My Dad approached with watery eyes that he tried to hide. It was evident he didn't know what to say. " It's good to see you Sprout." He said before burying me in a hug. I was tensed at first, not use to this type of contact in months. After a few seconds I hugged his back. His large body wrapped around me tightly. He didn't have to speak, the hug was saying enough.

" I'm okay Dad." I whispered

" I'm okay."

The hug felt like it lasted forever. Even in his arms even as he fought back tears. I lied.

I wasn't okay.

I couldn't imagine the stress he's been through the past feed months. He visited every day driving 2 hours to Pine Brew until I finally told him I didn't want him coming anymore. I know that broke his heart. Seeings him made me feel guilty, I didn't want to feel guilty for being unhappy.

" Goldie?" My eyes peaked at the sound of my older sisters voice.

Mags?

My Dad released me and there stood my older sister Mags. Her brown hair was brushed up in ponytail tail show casing her clean olive skin and hazel eyes. I was in to much shock to speak.

" Oh God Goldie what did you do! What did you do!" I remember the day like it was yesterday. Early on in my depression when I cut my self. Swearing it was an accident blood was gushing out. It was one of the few times I had actually seen her scared. " Why Goldie!"

Her hazel eyes analyzed me taking me in just like Dad her hazel eyes watered except to didn't fight the tears. It was like she angry and sad all in one.

" Goldie you fucking cunt." She cursed before hugging me. She than looked at me and said " If you ever do some stupid shit like that again Goldie. I swear I fucking swear I'm locking you in the basement."

My Dad grabbed my bags taking them to car.

He smiled.

"Come on Girls. Let's go home."