RAMBLINGS

truly

All I felt in that moment was anger, suppressed, yet brimming, threatening to spill over but still, somehow, trying not to destroy what I'd spent an entire lifetime building. It was tiring, thinking about how I felt, and to try and explain it was a whole another ball game.

'Fine,' I said.

She wouldn't understand anyway. Neither would I be able to explain, afraid of rejection, afraid of seeing the disgust on her face. But this was good, this arrangement of pure desire and absolutely nothing apart from it. It didn't expect anything from me, and even if it did, I would break away. Cruel as it was, I wasn't ready for my heart to break again.

And I'd forgotten about it, hadn't I? About how constant it felt, the despair and loneliness but it was gone now, and I was happy.

'Do you like it?' she asked and my heart ached, throbbing against my numb chest, reminding me once again that no, happiness was a stretch, it was rather, gratification at its finest, easing my heavy soul for just a little time.

I didn't know what I was thinking in the first place either. We were doomed from the start, you see. I couldn't possibly have a relationship that wasn't toxic, my childhood had proven it, so had my adolescence and now it was even more so apparent with the girl in front me, sitting on her knees— bruising them, asking me if I liked it.

'Yeah,' said a hollow voice from inside of me. I wish I was bit more enthusiastic though, because I did, in fact, like it.

But I imagine it a little differently. The soft, soft planes of her cheeks were covered with your gruff five o clock shadow, and her pretty eyes were hardened from the things you'd seen on the streets.

I want to shut my mind, drown it like I always have— with music. But you've stolen then away from me too, haven't you?

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