Renesmee Cullen diary-my teenage life the continuation of breaking dawn

Renesmee's Cullen diary- chapter 8

Capter 8: Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity.

I was waiting at the bus stop for Ethan to come. I didn't know what I was doing. I felt that I was doing something wrong. I felt like I was cheating on Jacob. Basically I didn't do anything wrong but still... I went to see Ethan while Jacob is sitting worried outside my room. He probably thinks he did something wrong, that he hurt me, but he didn't. I was the one with the problems. I wish the problems will just disappear. I wish I could do whatever I want without feeling guilty about anything, but there the guilty was, eating me from inside. While I was sitting at the bus stop I started thinking about everything. About love, hate, trust, guilty, about what I have with Jacob and about what I have with Ethan. I didn't even know that Ethan love me and I was risking what I have with Jacob for what?! For something not sure. Actually I didn't know Ethan at all. What if he not the person that I thought he is?! It's like jumping into deep water without knowing how to swim. Its ridicules. I mean Jake is my first love, he imprinted on me, I was sure he loves me, so why should I try something new, unknown, that could hurt me and the people around me, that could hurt Jake. But I just couldn't go away from there. I couldn't get up from the bus stop and ran away to Jake. I was willing to see what can happen with Ethan? What does he feel about me? How I will be with him? Does it will be better than what I have with Jake? There were too many questions and I had no answers. What should I do?! To get up?! To go back to Jake?! To go with the unknown?! It was too late, Ethan was there. He stopped his car next to me and waited for me to get inside. I entered to the car, closed the door behind me and looked at Ethan. He was so calm and beautiful that it was hard to focus. "Hey Nessie" he said with a smile on his face. "Hey Ethan" I answered back. "Nessie are you ok? Is something wrong?" he said with a worrying look on his face. "I'm fine" I said and shook my head. "You sure 'cause you look like you... in stress" he said and I started blushing and shook my head again. A big smile started spread on his face. "I make you nervous aren't I?" he said in a mocking voice. "Oh please! You? Make me nervous? Yah right." I said and laughed. "So why are you blushing?" OMG I was that obvious?! "I'm not blushing" I said and look away from him. "Let's say that I bought it ok? Now, you wanna go to the meadow?" He said and I looked back at him. "Let's go!" I yelled and pointed on the road. We both laughed. When we got to the wood he parked and we started walking to this meadow. All the way to the meadow I thought about my meadow that I found when I was waiting to Jacob. After a while we got there, we were at the meadow. It was similar to my meadow, it just that my meadow was prettier. "What do you think?" Ethan said and looked me in the eyes. "It's nice but the meadow that I found is much prettier." I said in mocking voice. "Take that back" he said and giggled. "No. .. Like what you gonna do to me Mister Ethan? You'll kill me?" I said and laughed. "No I'm not gonna kill you. But I gonna ... tickle you!" He said and jumped on me. We both felt on the grass, tickling each other and laughing. "Stop! Stop! I surrender!" he said and put his hands up. We was laying there, close to each other, looking at each other eyes. He got closer to me and then... we kissed. The kiss I was waiting for, the kiss with the dreamy Ethan, thanks to this kiss I'll know which one I wanna choose, I'll know what I feel, and I feel... nothing. Nothing at all. After all of this hard process that I loved two guys at the same time it turned out that Ethan is not the right guy. The guy I wanna be with. I cheated Jacob for nothing. But worst, I'm lying here with smiling Ethan by my side that probably fantasies about the continue of our story and I'll have to tell him that there no future to our story and that I have a boyfriend that I love. I feel so guilty, for using Ethan and for cheating on Jake. "Ethan I... I'm sorry but I don't feel that way about you. I have a boyfriend that I love and... I'm sorry that I carried away." Ethan looked at me at surprised and happy eyes at the same time. "Really?! 'cause I don't feel that way for you either and I have a girlfriend too." He said and we both laughed in embarrassment. "Maybe it will be the best if we'll keep what happened between us, not telling anyone." He probably right. Now that I'm sure that I love Jacob and he probably freaking out now because of me so it will be the best not to tell him. "Yah you right...So...Can we go now?" I said and smiled. We got up and went to the car. When got to the bus stop I said a simple 'bye' and got out of the car. This all Ethan situation will not happened ever again, I'll never doubt at my feelings for Jacob again. I almost got home and then I realized, what should I say Jake for my behavior?! I saw my parents car at the front of the house and I was sure that they already know I sneak out. I opened the door and I saw my mom and dad, Charlie and Jake sitting and waiting for me. "Hey Renesmee" my dad said in a serious voice. I looked down. "Nessie we need to talk" Jake said and my hart start rising. Did my dad tell him? And if he told, did Jake wanna break up with me now? Jake took my hand and we went outside. We walked a little bit and that Jake stopped and looked at me. "Nessie can you tell me now what's wrong?" He didn't know! I was so happy about that but now... What should I tell him?! Common I need an idea right now! My head was empty from ideas. Jake watch me thinking and he didn't understand what's wrong with me. "Nessie? Are you ok?" he said gently. There were tears in my eyes and I looked up at him. "Nessie... What's wrong?" he said and he looked really worried. "Jake I was... What's happened is that... I was..." I couldn't tell him the truth but I just have to. "I was worried about the sex thing ok?!" What?! Where is this come from?! Why did I say that?! Now not only that I lied to Jacob, I make him feel guilty for wanting to have sex with me and now he won't agree to do it with me and we only have a few months to be together! I'm an idiot! I need to fix it. "I mean it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm afraid 'cause it will be my first time. It's natural to be afraid right?" I tried to sound more convincing, that he'll be sure that I wanted this as much as he did. "Nessie I thought that you... I mean... Renesmee are you sure you wanna do this? 'Cause if you are not ready we can wait." He said and put his hand on my shoulder. "Jake I don't want to wait. I'm ready and I'm one hundred percent sure about you." I said and kissed him gently. "Nessie? What should we say to Charlie and your parents?" really didn't think about that. "My dad probably already know everything and at the end he'll tell my mom so about them I don't worry but I'll ask my dad to make an excuse for Charlie." I said and smiled. "Nessie I need to go patrolling, I'll come later I promise." He kissed my forehead and went. I got back to the house and ran to hug my parents. "I missed you so much!" I said while hugging them. Dad would you make an excuse for Charlie? Please? Sometimes it's great that my dad can read minds. That way Charlie couldn't hear what I was asking from my dad. My dad nodded in agreement and I went up to my room. I think I'll plan something special for tonight. I wanna make it up for Jake. So... What should I do?

You guy I need to go to the hospital with Jake to visit his dad.

I promise I'll tell you about that special night.

Love, Nessie ♥♥♥

I'm sorry that it took me so long to write this chapter... I have alot of exams right now :S

I hope you like it :]

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