feeling trapped

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I have been feeling like this for nearly a year. I can't be in one place anymore because I feel that I'm breaking someone's promise.
I want to be able to go to different places, not in books or movies, but on planes, boats and trains.
Many of my friends don't know about this.
I already feel trapped with a name that I hate and have people call me by a different one (Chloe to Levi) and I have to keep proving to my OWN mom that I don't want to be Chloe but she doesn't give a flying monkeys about my feelings about my gender or sexuality (I'm Bi and non binary).
I've felt like this ever since my best friend of 7 years died and I feel like that I have failed him and myself.

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