We were playing music on the radio as Addy and I were watching Doc work on the truck.
"Come on, Doc. Let me trim your beard." I said begging him as Addy smiled.
"Will you stop already? You're giving me a complex. You know sometimes your eyebrows look like furry caterpillars. But do I say anything? No."
"10K always trims mine. And I always trim his and Addy's."
"That is too disturbing to even think about right now. You know, if a man can't let himself go during a zombie apocalypse, then what's the point of having one?"
"One word. Enders." said Addy.
"One day you stop doing your eyebrows. The next, you're just hair and lice. And you're held together by a loincloth."
"Thanks for the visual." said Doc. The radio started to play again as some girl named Kaya was talking.
"Hi-ya. It's Kaya in the Sky-a. Spinning hits from the 2000s, 1990s, 1890s. Basically whatever I want. Here's another one for Operation Bite Mark. Wherever you are."
"We gotta find a transmitter and get in touch with CZ and his friend. Let him know what the plan is." I said.
"Yeah, and somebody needs to tell miss Kaya to play some Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan and Hank Williams Jr. Well, I think the Murphy Mobile has done bit the dust. It is beyond my capabilities as a doctor to save."
"I wish Warren was here." said Addy.
"I wish everybody was here." I said. As we were talking I started to hear a faint siren sound. "Do you guys hear that?"
"Autumn, I'm an old man. I've been shooting a lot of guns. I don't hear shit." The sirens then got even louder. "But I do hear that." A limo and to police motorcycles appeared.
"Good sign? Bad sign?" I asked.
"Be ready for anything." said Addy.
"Well who is this? The President of the Apocalypse?" asked Doc.
The window rolled down and showed someone in sunglasses.
"Hello, friends. Trouble on the highway of life?"
"Wait a minute. I know that voice. And I know that beard." said Doc.
"Son of a bitch." I said looking at them.
"What's going on, Doc?"
"Sweet Zombie Jesus, it's Sketchy McClaine."
"Wassup Doc?" said Skeezy rolling down his driver window.
"And Skeezy too? Man, I thought you two were dead for sure. I can't believe it. What kinda luck is that?"
"Dumb luck." I said.
"An electro-wacker, huh? Aren't you the crafty one? Have you patented this?" Sketchy said as he held Addy's Z-Whacker.
"No. Why?"
"Nothing. Nothing." Sketchy said turning the electricity on the Z- Whacker.
"Okay. Careful with that. Gimme." Addy said taking it. Sketchy opened the door and we all got in the limo. As we got in Sketchy handed us drinks.
"Here Doc have mine." I said giving it to him.
"Who'd you steal the limo from?" Addy asked.
"Oh, we commandeered this vehicle from the Bill Clinton Presidential Museum in Little Rock."
"This is Bill Clinton's limo?" I said.
"One and only. Bonafide. You wouldn't believe the stuff we found in the seat cushions. So, what about you? I hear your man Murphy's running a long con out of Spokane. So you're working for him now, hmm?"
"Nope. No, we're headed to Wall Drug. Heard some folks up there are making a go of it. They got supplies and water." said Doc.
"How coincidental. That's where we're headed."
"Looks like we're ready to go." Addy said as we got up.
"Gentlemen." I said.
"Hey, hey. Hold on now. Look. You two have been drinking. So stay here. Relax. I'll drive it in for you." said Sketchy.
"I didn't drink. So I'm well enough to drive." I said.
"Well your to young so Skeezy will drive your ride."
"We're all going to the same place, huh? What's the catch?" Addy asked.
"Addy. Addidale, if I may use your full name."
"That's not my name."
"Addidale. Fate has reunited us. And for that I thank it. But if you have no trust in the quixotic gods of Eros, have some trust in friendship. Because I am now and will always be your friend. And friends don't let friends drink and drive. Even in the Apocalypse." said Sketchy.
"I regret this already." said Addy as she gave Sketchy the keys.
"You lay it on kinda thick, bro." said Doc finishing his scotch.
"I meant every word, Abigail."
"So, who's the muscle?" I asked pointing to the motorcycles.
"Oh, Gina and Tina? Presidential motorcade. I can introduce you if you want." Sketchy said looking at Doc.
"Did he say presidential motorcade? What are these knuckleheads up to this time?"
"Best not to think about it too much. Lets just enjoy the ride." said Doc.
"Hey. Wear these, would ya?" Sketchy said as he threw sunglasses at all of us. He started to drive until we pulled up to a barn. We got out and went inside.
"This another one of your scams?" Doc asked.
"It's not a scam if the actual president is doing it." said Sketchy.
"President? President of the United States of America?"
"You heard right, Addilicious." said Sketchy.
Skeezy started to read from a paper out loud. "Straight from his battles with the zombies in Congress, the 357th President of the United States, Thurston Howell the Fourth!"
"Thurston Howell? That's the dude from Gilligan's Island." said Doc.
"That's my actual real name."
"Of course it is."
"Ladies and gentlemen. Making America, America again. Your President!" Skeezy said pointing to Sketchy.
"My people! Fellow citizens. It is I, your humble but fearless leader." He said as he noticed that no one was there.
"Sorry el presidente. It looks like nobody's here." I said.
"Nah, we get this all the time. They're hiding. They're smart sensible people. Who can blame them really, given the rising tide of crime. Perhaps some entertainment for the masses. Skeezy."
Skeezy turned on the music and it was all patriotic until it got upbeat and the "motorcade" started to removed their clothes. Addy and I were standing there figuring out what the hell is happening.
"Well they sure are energetic." said Doc. As he said that, they both made confetti cannons go off.
"Oh my God." said Addy.
"Don't be afraid. We're here to make this planet great again."
"Can I kill them yet?" I asked Doc and Addy.
"Look. Come on out! You, I see you. Come on out. Don't be afraid." He said as people started to come out from where they were hiding. "I'm here for you.You're gonna make it. What's your name?" He asked as a lady came forward.
"They call me the Mayor."
"Miss Mayor. The United States government thanks you for your service. Oh, may I introduce my Chief of Staff. This is Wendle Lincoln Jefferson. He's my right hand man and spiritual advisor. I think faith is so important in these end times. Miss Mayor. Citizens of Wall Drug.
My fellow what's left of Americans. Today marks the first time I've visited your fair berg. And I'm here to report the State of the Union. Let's be honest. We've seen better days."
"He is actually doing it. He's actually pretending to be the President." said Addy.
"They're actually listening." said Doc.
"I'm sure you've all heard the President of the United States is dead. And that the American government ran off howling in the night like so many coyotes. Which is all true. So admittedly what we can expect this fiscal year is pretty low. Well this won't last long. Hopefully though, together, in partnership, we can rebuild our infrastructure. And get America working again!" Everyone started to clap and I looked at Addy in disbelief. "Revitalizing our storied Postal Service. And most importantly, controlling that most aggressive threat." As he stopped talking a Z came in out of nowhere. He then surprisingly went up to it and mercy it. "Mercy and good riddance. Zombie scum. They just keep coming, don't they? It all starts to feel like a lost cause, doesn't it? But you know, maybe being President in this crazy Apocalypse is just another lost cause. Sill, I'm willing to lay my life down for you. Why? Because lost causes are worth dying for!" Everyone started cheering. "America! Hook, line, and sinker."
"They love him." Doc said.
"Let me kiss your baby. Come here." As the baby came closer he noticed it was actually a pig. I started laugh because he actually did it.
Doc and I were looking at a picture of the town. The mayor started talking to us as we were looking at the picture.
"Should've seen it then. Not much left now. The fire burned most of it down Day One. And the pharmacy and kitchen were raided. When the well dried up, most of the survivors drifted off the Rosebud down the road. We're all that's left here in South Dakota. Us and a few travelers, such as yourself."
"So you're cleaned out?" Doc asked.
"Well, not completely. We manage to trade the remaining decor for food and supplies. Guns, ammo, medical supplies. Even in the Apocalypse, folks love kitsch. Truer words were never spoke." Addy came up beside me.
"Well?"
"No sign of a radio."
"Well I won't say it wasn't worth it cuz it wasn't." said Doc.
"You know they're gonna rip these people off, right?" I said.
"I know."
"Do we care?"
"Well we're on a mission." said Addy.
"I'm sorry. Excuse me." said a lady going through us.
"Mr. President. Mr. President. Please help us."
"Well of course. Help is my middle name. What can I do for you?"
"The old man that attacked you, the Z in the loafers. He was sick before he turned. Like my husband is sick."
"Sorry to hear that. Here, smile for the camera. All right. Just leave your information with my man here, and we'll send you a signed copy for just a small donation at our Gold Jubilee level.
Give her pin. Good luck."
"You don't act very Presidential." said the Mayor.
"This ought to be good." I said listening in. Doc touched me on my shoulder and I followed him over to the lady that just talked.
"Excuse me, Mrs."
"Erin."
"Erin. So I'm a doctor, sort of."
"Can you help me?"
"Sure. I'll be happy to do what I can."
"Hey. I'm gonna watch Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass." I said to Doc as I went to the back of the room to watch the show.
"How do we know you are who you say you are?" asked the Mayor.
"Madame Mayor. I don't often like to brandish my credentials, but you've left me no choice. Wendle. Football, please. Or should I say, nuclear football. The codes are in here."
"Uh-huh. Who voted for you? I didn't."
"Wendle. Papers, please. Who voted for me? Nobody did. I'm 192nd in the line of succession. Back before the Apocalypse, pre-Z I was the Assistant Fish and Game Warden for the District of Columbia. Now everybody from the President to my boss is dead."
"What are your qualifications?"
"I'm alive. I see you're not convinced. Okay. The garments." He said as he pulled down his pants to show his "presidential" underwear. "Normally only the First Lady gets to see this. Sadly, last year we had to mercy her. Of course, I'm always looking for a Second Lady."
Addy came over to me and we started to talk.
"So what does Doc think it is?"
"He doesn't know, he is still figuring that out. But I'm gonna look around the area to see if I can find any supplies when we get back on the road."
"Alright, I'm gonna stay here and keep an eye on these idiots." Addy smiled and went outside while I just kept hidden in the back. After a while, Doc came back from looking at the sick. "How'd it go?"
"That's some kinda funky Apocalyptic juju. Just really not a lot I can do."
"Yikes."
"Citizens of Wall Drug. I've toured your fine community, and I've broken bread with your people. And I must say Wall Drug is a vital and wholly American enterprise. But, there's fear here. And that's no good, my friends. Because fear turns us into monsters. No less violent than the Enders, and no more alive than the Zs. I don't want you to be afraid. Not ever again. And that is why I'm asking for your help to make America, America again!Help me build a wall to keep the zombies out. And I'm gonna make the Zs build it! Today, I'm asking you to help me in ridding this great nation of that zombie scourge forever! Dig, if you will, this picture. A wall. Stretching from the Grand Coulee Dam to the Mississippi River. Keeping us safe within, and the zombies without. Safety is freedom. Freedom is greatness. Let's make America America again!" Everyone started to clap as he kept going on. "But, in order to build this wall, we're gonna need funding. Whatever you can give us for trade, whether that be guns or ammo or alcohol or pills. No donation is too small or too large. I mean don't hold back."
"Oh god they are going to screw these people over." I said. Then Erin walked passed Doc and I. "Oh no. Please don't. He's not."
"At least he's doing something. Somebody's finally giving us hope." Erin said as she walked up giving Sketchy her wedding ring.
"What a day for patriotism, huh! You know, it's like my mother used to tell me, during our early morning walks with God." All of a sudden something was thrown at Sketchy in the head. "Owww! A shoe!"
"And there's more where that came from, you heel."
"And who the hell are you?"
"John J. Lannister. Your next President."
"Okay. Things are getting ugly. That's our cue. Let's go pick up Addy." I said.
"I thought you said this garbage-fire was dead?"
"I don't know what happened. I saw the Zs take him down by the dumpster. Nobody could have got away from that. Nobody." said Skeezy.
I looked over at Doc and saw he was looking confused. "What's wrong? Doc?"
"This illness that's going around, it reminds me of Black Summer. I've seen this sort of thing wipe out whole cities in a matter of days."
"So you're not ready to go?" I said.
"There's still time to find out what is making these folks sick."
"And what if we get sick? Is that worth the risk? What about our mission?"
"There are still people surviving in this world and I'll be damned if I didn't help stop a disease that could kill what's left."
"Ok, you go and help as much as you can. I'll be here." I said as Doc went back to the infirmary."
"You stole my business model. You stole my limo. And, lowest of all, you stole my Pom Pom girls!" said John.
"Gina and Tina are Pom Pom women. And that attitude right there is the reason you lost them."
"I should never have pulled you out of that anthill in Boise!" yelled John.
"Well, it's been a pleasure. We've got to go now. Cuz we've got a wall to build. Plus, the zombies will wait for no man. Not even the President of the United States. Mark my words, though. Four score and seven years from now, you're gonna see that wall." Sketchy said as Skeezy and him were trying to leave.
"Now hold on there, Mr. President. You can't just leave with all these good folks' stuff. Not without a vote. That's undemocratic." said John.
"Well this isn't stuff. These are donations. That's very democratic."
"Well these people don't want to be told to just follow some old jackass. They want to vote for one. Citizens of Wall Drug. You deserve a choice, and now you have one. Because I, John J. Lannister, hereby announce my candidacy."
"You can't run for President. It isn't an election season. You don't have a platform."
"Platforms don't matter, son. Just the men standing on them. But now that you mention it, I doin fact have a plan. And everybody's gonna love it because it's a vast improvement over my opponent's untenable wall nonsense. I present to you a series of very large holes. Now, we use criminals as bait to attract the zombies. The Zs fall into the holes and eat the criminals. It's a twofer!" said John showing a picture.
"Hold on. Not so fast." The Mayor said looking at Sketchy and talking to everyone. "Let's hear this guy out."
"Well, I propose a debate. To prove the better plan and the better man. Winner takes all. Donations go to the better candidate. I mean, what do you say, Mr. President? Unless of course you're scared?" said John egging him on.
"Yes. Yeah, of course. Debate. I nominate Wendy Lincoln Jefferson, my associate, as the moderator."
"Nah, I don't think so. We need someone neutral. Someone without a stake in the game. Someone who really doesn't care about any of this. You. You. There. With the eyebrows." I looked around and saw that John was pointing and talking to me.
"All right, you mansplaining political hacks. You wanna play? I'm game. My first question is Point of order. I believe we start with opening statements." I said sitting in the chair. "Wall. Holes. The American public gets it. My first question is to both candidates. Isn't it true that you are both shameless con artists trying to rip off the very communities you purport to help?"
" It's a gotcha question."
"That's a gotcha question. Miss Lady. I hear what you're saying. And I understand where you're coming from as a woman in the press corp. I did not have con artist relations with this man. But, when I get those zombies down on their knees putting those low bricks in there" said Sketchy.
"Oh yeah, yeah. How you gonna get zombies to build a wall? Zombies cannot be trained. As President, you should know that."
"Lannister, you small-fingered fool. Why don't you quit flimflamming with your jibber jabber for once and say what you really think. He doesn't think America deserves a wall! He doesn't think America's good enough for a wall! He hates America!"
"No, no, no! I love America! It's business as usual politicians, like my opponent, that I hate. So you've changed your mind on America now, huh?"
"No. Flip-flop. Flip-flop. Do you see what's happening here, folks?"
"Help! Somebody!" I stood up as someone ran in towards the stage.
"Hey, hey. Wait. And I've killed plenty of Zs with my massive hands. Binders of 'em." John said as they kept ignoring the guy.
"Please! They're coming!"
"Frankly, my hands are too large." said Sketchy.
"Will you shut up and let him speak." I yelled at them. "What's wrong?"
"The sickness, it killed them all. Everybody in Rosebud is dead.
"Rosebud?" I asked.
"The nearest town. It's our only source of water within a hundred miles. If something's happened to cut off our water supply."
"The whole town's turned freaky Z! Mr. President, do something!"
"This news is dire. But now is the time we stand together. Nobody and nothing's gonna kill you. Cuz I'm gonna kill 'em first!" yelled John holding up his gun.
"I'll kill it! I'm gonna kill it even harder! Hey, if I don't come back, kill Lannister." said Sketchy to Skeezy. I got up and grabbed my machete as I went after them. They ran into an old shed and pushed one of the Z's towards me. "Hey." I yelled as I stabbed the Z in the head. "I give you mercy." More Zs' kept coming at me as I kept killing them. "A little help here, guys!" I said following them back inside.
"Don't worry. You're safe. I killed him." said Sketchy. I swear I was 3 seconds away from from killing them both.
"Ladies and gentlemen. The President of the United States!" Skeezy yelled.
"Oh, nah. It was nothing! I killed three of them in a single blow. And there's plenty more where that came from!" Sketchy yelled.
"He's lying!" yelled John.
"Now remember God loves the idea of a wall."
"What about you, Mr. President?" I asked.
"Yes, my delicate dandelion?" said Sketchy as I rolled my eyes.
"What have you done for this country? If we still even have one left. In all of this time, since day one, not a single law has been passed. There's been no example of the government making peoples' lives better. America has gone to the zombies. So I ask you again, what have you done?"
"Umm? When was the last time any of you paid taxes? Thanks, Howell. You're welcome! Debate over! Time to vote!" Sketchy said as Gina and Tina handed out papers and pens. "And in conclusion, a vote for me is a vote for the wall. And a death knell to the zombie menace! Yeah. Do we want another four years like the last four years? I don't, and I don't think you do either."
"My opponent talks a big game. I don't trust big game. What I trust are large holes. Large holes that zombies can't climb out of. And criminals that get eaten. It's a twofer. So vote for me, John J.
Lannister. Businessman. Patriot. And human."
"Listen to me, everybody!" Doc said running in. "Don't drink the water! The reservoir in Rosebud was contaminated by a dead zombie. The zombie's head was stuck in the water filter. And God only knows what kind of poisons are leaking into your water supply. Just don't drink the water!" I stood up really fast and started to take the water away from people.
"That's our only source of water for hundreds of miles! We'll die without it." said the Mayor.
"You're already dying." said Doc.
"We're in the middle of nowhere. What are we supposed to do?"
"I drank the water." said John.
"We drank it too! Oh God, I think I can still taste zombie!" said Gina. I went over to Doc as Addy came in.
"It's not the water. It can't be. Everyone's been drinking it, and not everyone is sick." said the Mayor.
"This zombie stuff is very unpredictable. Trust me. I've seen a lot of crazy shit."
"How do we know if you're right? What if you're wrong and we die of thirst when we have water?"
"How disgustingly predictable! In this time of strife, Howell and his cohorts are using fear tactics to manipulate you, the electorate. You, Sir, are an unelected bureaucrat. And this is a prime example of government overreach. Okay? I say if the people want their water, let them have it. Let the consumer decide. Am I right?" said John.
"You're insane! I'm trying to help these people live." said Doc.
"Mr. President? What do you think?" someone asked Sketchy. Doc and I looked at him hoping he would agree with us.
"Doc. There's no proof. You haven't proven beyond a reasonable doubt that that water was poisoned. It still needs more study. Doc. Without the proof, it wouldn't be prudent. Sorry, Doc."
"You know, screw you guys. If you all want to die, drink the water! Mayor! Unfounded scientific intervention is how we ended up with the zombie apocalypse in the first place. This is real. These people are in danger." said Doc. I went over to Sketchy.
"This is not another one of your cons. Be a decent person. Drop the act."
"The vote, Sketchy. The loot. Come on. Come on." said Skeezy. Sketchy looked at me and then went back to Skeezy.
"Wow."
"Turn in your ballots, citizens. Polls are closed!"
"I don't know why you're working so hard. It's over. We're dying." said the Mayor.
"The whole world is dying. Maggie, there are people out there trying to help you. Help everybody. People you don't even know. All you got to do is stay alive and let them finish the job. Now, if there's poison in your system, this charcoal will bind to it and keep it from being absorbed." Doc said giving Addy, Mayor, and I a piece of charcoal just in case.
"Will this work?"
"I don't know. I saw it on Naked and Afraid. But it's worth a try. Sorry, it's not gonna taste very good. Bon appetit." We all ate the piece of charcoal and Doc looked in her eyes and saw that the yellow was disappearing.
"And the first vote goes to."
"Stop the vote! These men are con artists!" said a group of people with a bunch of guns coming in.
"Who the hell is that?" Addy asked as Sketchy jumped off the staged next to us.
"Z Partiers."
"Thanks to the zombies, America is truly the land of the free and the home of the badass. There is no president here. These men are treasonous charlatans. They came in their limo, ripped off our town, and took all our supplies as donations. What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"I say I say you were never so happy as when we rode off with your shit." said Skeezy as they started shooting. Addy and I ducked and ran over to Doc who was in a doorway.
"Politics as usual. I think we've out stayed our welcome." said Doc.
"It's about time." Addy said. All of a sudden Zs' started to come in. "Time to go."
"Well what about the others?" asked Doc.
"Lucy. They'll be okay." I said looking over at the Mayor. "She's got it covered." She looked over and waved us off as we ran to our truck and sped off.
As we were driving away, I stared out the window. "Hey, covergirl. What happened to staying well groomed during the Apocalypse?" Doc said looking at me. I glared back at him. "Nevermind. Shutting up."
"Can we just find Lucy, make the vaccine, and get this Apocalypse over with. So I can see Tommy again."
