Mended

Deep Thoughts

Since James came yesterday, memories were brought back. Good and bad ones. I couldn't help but keep my mind on it.

I called Zoe and told her the whole thing. I couldn't get it off my mind. I would repeat the conversation in head again and again. Thinking of better things I could have said.

I feel so down again. Ever since he came, I have been back, down, depressed. I have never felt exactly this way before. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is such a lie. It is making me worse, not stronger it seems like.

My other friend, Teresa, is coming unexpectedly later. She just texted me. I layed across my whole bed. I was then burying my face in my pink heart pillow.

I waited, and waited till I got up and looked out the front window then sat down again. I sat in the old recliner, looking down, I saw the same flowers from James. I didn't notice the note under a plate laying on the table.

I carefully opened the envelope with my name on it. On the note it said,

Brianna,

I am sorry about what I did to you. I can't even forgive myself. I had a death in my family recently before breaking up with you. I didn't know at the time how much I hurt you. I should have never saw you with my attitude. We should still hang sometime as friends. 

-James-

I couldn't believe this. Why does he want me back so badly? He wouldn't stop showing signs. He didn't need to, I got it. He likes me still and is sorry. I forgive but won't forget. I can't help myself.

I looked again out the window. I saw Teresa coming towards the front door I was looking out of. She walked up as I opened the door.

"Hey gurl!"I said looking at Teresa.

"Hey, whats up?"

"Still a little stressed. I just got a card from James. Look at it."

"Oh my gosh. He is so desperate sounding. Are you going to take him back?"

"I don't know. He keeps insisisting, pulling me back"

"You probably shouldn't. It is going to make things worse for you, don't take the chance"

"I know but-"

"Yes, you love him, but I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"I guess." Teresa was right. I knew it. But couldn't help but to argue back to her, for a few minutes.

"Whatever. Bri, you can't let him hold you back, okay?" I knew it. "Zoe and I can't stand you like this. We want the old you back. The one who didn't give a damn about boys, who is outgoing. Bring it back."

"Yeah its just so hard."

"I know, but, you'll get through. Okay?

"Okay."

"Now lets get out and grab a bite... get your mind off all this crap. You don't need anymore drama or negativity in your life."

"True. Okay lets go to Pizza Hut."

"There you go. That's the old Bri I love!"

"Haha. You know I still have the same old pizza addiction."

"Pepperoni, bacon, extra cheese" We say at the same time. Then we laugh at the same time.

I found out how much I missed these friendships. It was just the breakup pulling me apart. It was too much to handle at the time.  I wondered why I took it so far. Maybe I do need him back. No, what if he breaks up with me again? Worth a try? No. Yes. I don't know.

I wanted to make the right choices but the harder I would try to choose, the worse. I would kill my brain with all these stressful thoughts, its not even funny. One night, I was so overwhelmed because of it all, I attempted suicide.

One thing, in this week I have learned, is that I need friends. Good ones. Like Zoe and Teresa. Its worth it. Way better than popularity where you're friends with everyone, most aren't there for you and are just simply acquaintances.

I learned, I need to get up, take a deep breath and move on. Though it sounds simpler than it actually is.

Since depression is a deep, non stop disorder, non stop sadness, it made it harder on top of these issues with relationships now.

It makes it hard on my family and friends, the ones who care about me. They see me like this and don't know what to do. My friends are used to it and not judgemental about it. They decided to get to know me, and accept me as I was.

Without them, I would have committed suicide by now.

Lately, I have been having some deep thoughts.

-_-_-_-_

Hey y'all, hows Mended so far? Please comment/vote if you like it. If you don't, comment why.

Thanks for everything. I appreciate each and every person reading this. This chapter somewhat describes how I feel.